Project Overview: Untitled Document is a serial comedy novel dealing with the sort of topics that we so frequently make fun of here at Something Awful.
This Chapter: The characters face their final tests at the beginning of the end in this, the second to last chapter of Untitled Document. Linus Guthry is brought into custody, Crutch Limply endures psychic torture, Maximillian rampages through the defenses of Mexico City, and Raylene swoops in to attempt a rescue of her beloved Tara. All this and much more in Chapter Twenty!
Admiral Regel stood with his back against the cockpit partition, his feet rooted magnetically to the floor of the dropship, his eyes staring from behind armored lenses at the gaunt face of Linus Guthry. Two of the Admiral's personal honor guards had exchanged their side arms for the menacing barrels of nuclear reapers which they kept trained on Guthry at all times.
"I do not think the weapons are necessary, Lord-Admiral." Guthry cooed in mocking supplication. "I am wholly at your mercy."
Admiral Regel might have even believed any other criminal. Guthry was shackled to the prisoner bar with thick oricalcium chains and his feet dangled almost a meter above the floor. A psycho dampener collar had been fitted around his neck to ensure he did not attempt some form of esper witchery and the technician had assured Admiral Regel that it was fully functional. All the same, thought Regel, the mischief burning in Guthry's dark eyes and the bizarre manner of his capture made him seem anything but at the mercy of the Imperatrixian justice system.
"He looks rather uncomfortable." The accursed diplomat from the Empire of Finland showed his concern.
"You should mind your mouth, human." One of the honor guards advised.
"What is your name?" Admiral Regel asked.
The human turned to him and squinted with those tiny ratlike eyes of the earth creatures.
"Magnus." The man replied curtly. "Ambassador of Finland."
"Well, Ambassador of Finland Magnus, this creature you have offered safe haven to has burned a path of illicit dealings across the Great Trade Empire of Imperatrix. He has sold drugs, flesh sims, weaponry, and has even engaged in the duplication of copyrighted entertainment media. He has plagued us for more than a thousand of your years. Longer than even I have been alive."
One of the honor guards tore his eyes away from Guthry to glance at Admiral Regel with disbelief. The extent of Guthry's crimes was a closely guarded secret known only to a handful of the most trusted members of the battle fleet.
"Linus Guthry is a human." Magnus replied defiantly.
"No. He is most assuredly not. A lifespan of more than ten centuries is out of reach even for the few humans on your planet with access to crude rejuvenation technology. Guthry may look and sound human, but that is merely part of the game he plays. He is as alien to you as I am."
Guthry turned his neck as best he could in the psycho dampener and blinked one eye in a gesture unfamiliar to Admiral Regel. The act put him on edge again.
"The reason I bring Guthry's nature and crimes up to you, Ambassador of Finland Magnus, is to underline the importance of a situation you seem oblivious to you. Guthry is one of - if not the most - wanted creatures in the entire Empire of Imperatrix. He has also demonstrated himself to have an uncanny capacity for unexpected escapes from our justice. If this should happen again, Ambassador of Finland Magnus, I will place the entire Wow! Sector Battle Fleet in geosynchronous orbit over your nation and subject it to one thousand hours of full gun bombardment."
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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