Before we begin today's AwfulVision, I want to say a quick word regarding AwfulVision, Something Awful, and my experiences here as a writer here.
When this article goes live, I will have officially written for Something Awful for exactly one year. It's been one of the most satisfying, rewarding things I've ever done (well, other than having sex, snorting cocaine, driving 90 in a 45 and ironically wearing Boston t-shirts I stole from my dad). A year later, and it still utterly blows my mind that I can write things on my magical computer screen that simultaneously make people laugh and make paychecks miraculously appear in my mailbox every month.
Way back in the dawn of time (sometime around 2001), I can remember Lowtax putting out a call for front page writers in one of his updates and asked for potential applicants to submit a sample of their writing. Naive 16 year old that I was, I emailed him some horrendous dreck that wasn't nearly funny enough to get me the job while still being too boring and non-descript to land it in the "worst of" update that soon followed. I am proud to carry on this tradition to this day.
Anyway, I know this is unfunnier than usual, which is really saying something, so I'll cut it short with this: thanks for reading, ignoring, loving and/or hating AwfulVision as much as I have these past 12 months. I know it's a sign of weakness to show any sort of emotion or gratitude in the wild and wooly world of internet comedy writing (BobServo is probably honing a shank from the case of his Blu-Ray version of Legally Blonde 2 as we speak) but I just want everyone who reads this to know how truly thankful I am that you read this article and enjoy what I do.
Okay, enough pussy shit. Let's get this party started!
A thousand years ago, dudes were dying from splinters, but now the wizard potion that cleans our light wounds costs less than a Dr. Pepper in 1994. I love this medicinal 7up.
U2 and Apple have conspired to place a U2 album into your music in the year 2014. You own a U2 album. And you can't get rid of it.
Ron Paul spins in his chair, trying to grab his decorative antique musket but Freddy gets it first.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!