Chapter Four - Back Against the Wal
DARE's disguise was nearly impenetrable, at least in the eyes of the sleeps early-morning shift employees at the nearby Wal-Mart. He had a pair of comically oversized novelty sunglasses concealing most of his face and a tattered bathmat taped to his head. He was wearing a pair of pants but his hands lacked the fine motor skills to put on a shirt.
The store was overwhelming to him. Since a robot is made out of machine parts going into the hardware aisle was the equivalent of going into a store and walking down an aisle full of boxes containing human organs and limbs. He filled a shopping cart with various components that he thought might be useful, and then he found her. Orecka.
She was tall and thin, much like Kitty, but she had a certain mechanical durability that went along with her frail frame. One look at her hose attachments and DARE knew that she had everything he could want in a girl and then some. He carried her into a corner of Wal-Mart that seemed completely abandoned and begin putting her together with parts from blenders and George Foreman Grills. Had the scene been in a movie you can bet there would be an upbeat eighties song accompanying a montage of him doing useless things like "hot-gluing something" and "opening a panel full of wires" followed by a dramatic wipe to a finished product.The beautiful and seductive Orecka.And what a finished product she was! DARE marveled at her full lips and deep red bulb eyes that he felt he could lose himself in. He booted her up and with a loud sucking sound she came on.
"DARE," she said in a completely monotone voice. "Baby, I love you."
For the second time in as many days DARE noted his lack of tear ducts with dismay.
"Would you like to watch the sun rise with me Orecka?" DARE asked her, taking her cushion attachment in his hand.
"You bet baby, then I will suck your bolts right out of your rivet points and you can spray your non-drying lubricant all over my rear hinge."
DARE paused thinking that perhaps he should tone down her libido circuits before they consummated their love in the parking lot. He didn't want to miss the sunrise though, so they headed out the exit. An unattended security camera recorded their passage.
"Isn't it beautiful," DARE remarked, watching the glowing orb of the sun begin to peak over the horizon.
"Not as beautiful as all ten inches of your maintenance waldo buried deep in my dust bag hot stuff," her hoses worked up and down his back sensually.
He was about to reply when he heard a strange crashing sound and felt a tug at his leg.
"DAREEEE Hurrrrrrmmmmmmmpop BEEeeeeeeooooop!"
He spun, but not in time, as his beloved was pulled under the wheels of the parking lot patrol vehicle. DARE watched in horror as her processors were crushed beneath the car's uncaring Goodyear's. One machine taking the life of another.
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPppppppppppppp!" Screamed DARE, losing his mind much as you might lose a remote control only much more dramatically.
He ran forward and picked up the car driven by the parking patrol officer. Before the man even had a chance to realize scalding coffee had been spilled in his lap, DARE flung the vehicle through the front of the Wal-Mart, causing both to explode in a massive fireball. DARE deployed his machinegun arms and as the senile greeter ambled towards him he pumped round after round of 7.62mm NATO into the man's torso. He then turned his attention on the SeniorBus vehicle that had dropped him off, riddling a combined total of 1000 years of experience with bullets.
The guns were dry-clicking when the Science Van finally arrived to spirit him away before the police could.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Did you know that you only use 10% of your brain? You may have heard that before. But what if you could use 100%? YOU CAN!
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.