Chapter Two - Initiating Searches for Love at All the Incorrect CoordinatesA unique look into the way DARE's mind works.If DARE had tear ducts attached to his red light bulb eyes he would still be crying, even hours after the press conference had ended. Both Doctor Brainstrong and his beautiful assistant Kitty McAllister had spent much of this time comforting him, reassuring him that only a few mean people did not like him. They promised that it wasn't his personality nor his looks that put them off, that they were just jealous of his incredible robot powers. Like his ability to see heat, run almost as fast as a jet airplane, crush steel girders, or jump higher than a decently athletic pony.
"After lunch I want you and Kitty to go out into the park for a walk," explained Doctor Brainstrong. "I know how much you like Kitty and I think it would be fun for you to go to the park. I will observe from the Science Van."
DARE enjoyed walking in the park and he enjoyed talking to Kitty. For some reason his circuitry told him that she was very pretty and sometimes they would hold hands while they were walking and he would get strange feelings in his diodes. He composed poems for her during his rest cycle. He had written over four hundred thousand in her honor. His favorite was the poem entitled "Kitty Poem 17,555" which he had written for her at the precise second his startup cycle began.
This is a poem for Kitty.She smiled when he read her his poems and he knew that this meant she enjoyed them. Doctor Brainstrong had explained that when people showed their teeth this was called a smile and it meant they were happy, but when dogs showed their teeth this meant danger and DARE was supposed to jump on top of the nearest building. He had to hurt a dog one day and it was sad because it exploded and landed in a pond.
She is like iron.
She is like silicon, nickel-cadmium, and fiber-optics.
Kitty this is a poem and you are like oxygen welded contour bars.
This poem is for you and it is about you.
After Kitty and Doctor Brainstrong had finished putting food into their heads they walked with DARE out to the Science Van and climbed inside. Sometimes DARE called the Science Van "mommy" after a book he had read one second called "A Physician's Guide to Live Child Birth". When Doctor Brainstrong heard DARE call the Science Van mommy he tended to get mad and explain that he was DARE's mommy, but DARE could not believe that Doctor Brainstrong had a uterus sufficient for giving live birth to his 730lb chassis.
As they drove to the park DARE contemplated the meaning of a word which he had many times before. The word he was thinking about was "love".
"Please explain 'love'," said DARE to Doctor Brainstrong.
"Well, uhh…," Doctor Brainstrong began uncertainly, "love is an emotion and you feel it when you really like someone a whole lot."
"Is this when you have 'sex' with them?" asked the ever-inquisitive DARE.
"Hey look, we're at the park!" Exclaimed Doctor Brainstrong as he hurriedly parked the van and jumped out.This Kitty has claws!Kitty led DARE into the meadow near the parking lot, far away from the children on the playground equipment, and someone shielded from prying eyes by a row of oak trees.
"Isn't it nice to get outside DARE?" asked Kitty.
"BEEP," began DARE, "it is nice to be with you Kitty. I have written 6,400 poems for you since last we were here."
"That's very sweet of you DARE," Kitty made a smile which meant she was happy to DARE. "I like you a whole lot."
"Thank you Miss Kitty," replied DARE. "Do you love me?"
"Well," she thought for a moment, "I suppose I do."
"BEEP!" replied DARE excitedly. "I love you too Miss Kitty!"
DARE grasped Kitty in his strong robotic arms and pulled her full lips to his all-weather speaker grill. The air was charged with electricity, mostly from the banks of rechargeable power cells mounted in DARE's torso. At first Kitty hesitated, so alien was this cold metallic grill pressed against her lips, but she softened at his gentle caress and slid her tongue along the rough outer surface. Just as DARE was about to pull her to the ground and begin to remove her exterior artificial housing a shout came from a nearby bush.
"WELL LOOOOOOOOOOKEEEE!" Came a shout from the previously mentioned nearby bush. "Little missy here is getting' frisky with lovebot 2000!"
It was the bearded cretin from the auditorium.
"This is none of your business you jerk!" Cried Kitty, her cheeks flushed with interrupted excitement.
"Oh but my business is that robots suck!" The loudmouth turned his attention to DARE. "You hear me robot?! You suck!" The man's sentiment was echoed by the mesh-backed cap he was wearing which read "ROBOTS SUCK!"
"BEEEEEP!" DARE shouted angrily.
He released Kitty from his arms and advanced towards the bearded scoundrel, intent on giving him what-for and possibly "the business". Just as he was about to begin yelling more the ruffian produced a half-empty beer bottle from behind the bush and hurled it directly at DARE's ridiculously placed large shut-off switch. The bottle broke open over the switch and everything went black for the young robot.
Dr. Oz, professional TV doctor, offers up some dieting tips and advice on how to remove all your negative ions.
I was able to pull some strings and secure an advance copy of this year’s PAX panel schedule. Enjoy!
Push button, get infinite gameplay and pleasure. Or attempt a 3 point shot.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.