The most metal thing is a pizza delivered by your local Domino's that says MASTER'S HAMMER BITCH spelled out in pepperoni.

The most metal thing ever is finally remembering the 3-digit CVV on the back of your dad's credit card (why can't it be 666?) and buying the Shroud of Turin and wiping your ass with it after an awful beer shit (the most brutal part is that you're underage ).

The most metal thing ever is mooning the line outside a Wolves In The Throne Room concert and yelling DESTROY THE ENVIRONMENT and then you rip a huge fart.

The most metal thing ever is creating a sustainable eco-friendly home powered by double-bass pedal generator in order to impress Wolves in the Throne Room groupies.

The most metal thing ever is when Mystikal joins Mystifier on the Black Metal/Black People Seasons of Myst tour, and are subsequently sued by Drudkh's label.


The most metal thing ever is when you spread the AIDS virus through anal blood on public toilets. Why is your ass bleeding and how did you contract AIDS in the first place? Bathroom at the Priest concert.

The most metal thing ever is when your dad puts on Jethro Tull on his Bose Wave radio while he's cleaning the kitchen and you catch him headbanging as you turn the corner.

The most metal thing ever is when Malefic's manager at Staples suspends him for knocking over all of the pretzel kegs in the snacks section for the third time this week.

The most metal thing ever is when you buy a new beagle puppy and name him Dave. Then you take him home to meet Tom, Jeff, and Kerry.

The most metal thing is buying a copy of Gray's Anatomy to research song titles for your new goregrind LP and receiving less in album returns than the book cost.

The most metal thing ever is recording your bedroom black metal album through the drive-through speaker at work.

The most metal thing ever is having to sing at your school's Christmas concert, but replacing every instance of the word "santa" in the lyrics with Satan.

– Will "cryme" Allen and Jeff "Charles Mansion" Curran

More Garbage Day

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.