Halloween may have come and gone, but our society is still chock full of scary, spooky, horrifying creatures that lurk in the night! Today's Weekend Web isn't about them though; it's about the laughably idiotic goth and wiccan "culture" on the Internet. I think there used to be actual legitimate practicing Wiccans at one point in time, but then the Internet took over and the term "Wiccan" is now synonymous with "retarded greasy bloatbags with braided hair who draw pictures of bird nests during history class." As for goths... well, what more do I need to say? Go to any mall throughout America and you'll see at least five teenagers wearing all black and crying tears of eternal sorrow outside the Hickory Farms. Just don't make the mistake of laughing at them and their idiotic hypocritical "culture" or else they'll claim you're a narrow-minded, ignorant sheep who can't understand exactly how intelligent and individualistic they are. You know, because acting and dressing like thousands of other pasty-white people makes you individualistic.

First up: an exciting list of ways to die courtesy of "rachael-chael." There are some hilarious jokes thrown in this post as well, but the biggest joke is the fact that you know these people spend hours each day contemplating their own suicide but never have the guts to actually go through with it.

If you see somebody with a "SKIT" tattoo PLEASE RUN AWAY FROM THEM AS FAST AS POSSIBLE AND NOTIFY THE AUTHORITIES! They are deadly and will write poetry about you!

"GianAshtorath" enjoys the thought of killing herself / himself / itself, but is obviously too incompetent to get the job done. Slit up, not across, you imbecile!

This poor girl is going to kill herself... ON THE INTERNET! I wonder if her tombstone will have a couple of those rotating skull animated gifs chiseled next to it.

Ever wondered what the motivation is behind people who wear capes in the mall? Well wonder no longer, folks!

More The Weekend Web

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Freakypizza: The Sweater Curse

    Freakypizza: The Sweater Curse

    Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.

  • Spout.ly Drinking Fountain Enthusiast Lingo

    Spout.ly Drinking Fountain Enthusiast Lingo

    Can't tell a drinking fountain from a urinal? We've got you covered. Brush up on your drinking fountain enthusiast -- or sipper -- vocabulary and learn to talk and swap sips with the best of them.

Copyright ©2015 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.