Back in the 'riot grrrl' '90s, best epitomized by the can-do feminism of heroic suffragists the Spice Girls, women felt empowered to accomplish absolutely anything. During this era, women founded many advanced civilizations, and their grateful male subjects (for they were just, virtuous rulers) sculpted colossal goddess statues in their image. A lull followed this music-catalyzed matriarchy, and eventually young girls felt so lost without pop-culture role models that they became petrified when asked to perform even the most basic functions. Fortunately, a new breed of all-female band has emerged to communicate the wonders of Girl Power through rap music videos.


Millionaires, "Alcohol"


Defacing currency is a federal crime, but women have the power to do so with impunity. They are "above the law."


Women have the seldom-exercised legal right to hold keytar players captive in their shower stalls.


Millionaires could have killed this man without repercussions due to the aforementioned "gender immunity" clause. It is unclear whether they've actually done so, or if this man has committed suicide due to his distinctly male intolerance for coy, chirpy voices, confident femininity and terrible dance music. This video is a murder mystery.


Millionaires have kidnapped Santa. Christmas, a phallocentric holiday, has been canceled due to Girl Power.

While they might appear insouciant, Millionaires have deep respect for HERstory. From throwing money in the air to taking male hostages, they take all their cues from the true originators of the girl-power movement.

More Garbage Day

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.