Learning how to install your own stereo system can provide valuable experience for when you're in prison!
Step 4: Buy an awesome stereo system
First off, remember that a car's stereo system is not designed to play music. It is designed to attract people's attention so they can see how cool your car is. There is only one word you need to know to get a better system for your car: bass. For starting out, I recommend at least five 12-inch subs. For someone who wants to go "hardcore" or "kick it up a notch" I recommend the State Og "Bass of Doom", a large box installed in the trunk of your car that periodically detonates large pieces of C4 plastic explosives. Now, realize that the strong bass you need will make it impossible for you to actually listen to music, because even playing "Children Nursery Rhyme Classics" will cause your entire head to vibrate (note: this is also a good way to get off). Don't worry, the stereo isn't there for something pointless like music, it's there for showing off. I also suggest you get a really cool deck with a multi-color display and detachable face. Neither option really does anything useful, but when you're going for the look, you've got to get the whole look. After all, you can't look like a pimp just by wearing purple pants and carrying a cane. The same goes for cars: your car can't look like a pimp just by wearing purple pants and carrying a cane.
Suggested music: To really show off that bass, I suggest one of two choices.
1. Play "Brass Monkey" by the Beastie Boys on a continuous loop. One of the guys at my old high school does this, and is by far the most popular employee at the 7-11 on Highway K.
2. If you are uncertain of what to buy, just look for something with black people on the cover. Search for key words like "Hip", "Gangsta" and random letters like "D" or "G" (Note: You can never go wrong with the Villain Thieves).
I talked to Billy Watson, a kid who lives on my street and has a really cool car with a kickin' system. Here's what he had to say on car stereos.
Me: "Hey, Billy, what advice can you give on what kind of stereo to buy for your car?"
Me: "What kind of car stereo should I buy?"
Me: "WHAT KIND OF CAR STEREO DO I NEED?"
Billy: "What? Stereo? I don't want to buy your stereo, man."
Me: "Should I get an amp?"
At this point Billy walked away to steal some of his father's wine coolers while picking food from his braces. He's so cool.
Step 5: Window decals!
I'm sure most of you have seen these decals. They're large stickers that span the top of your windshield and have ultra-hip and cool phrases written on them. You can never go wrong with getting one that has your car's brand name on it. That way there will be no doubt in anyone's mind about what brand of car you are in. But, if you really want to look cool, I suggest you get one of the three phrases I found on some cars at my old high school parking lot:
"Fear This" - That just says it all. Combining this sticker with tinted headlights is an excellent way to make you and your car look dangerous. The tinted headlights add mystery, making it impossible for anyone to see what kind of headlights you have. The decal tells them that they don't even want to know and should probably regret even thinking about it.
"Nightcrawler" - I'm not sure what exactly this one means. I remember hearing about 2 different nightcrawlers. One was a blue elf in the X-men comics whose super power was having three toes and a tail. The only other nightcrawler I know of are those big worms you can use as fishing bait. Who cares what it means, "Nightcrawler" is still a great phrase for your car. It implies that while other motorists are asleep in bed, you and your car are crawling through the night like a giant termite or a man with no legs who has to go to work during, uh, the night. That you are doing this at night implies that you are wild, active, and perhaps even a bit dangerous. You see, girls like dangerous guys, and they also like the vulnerability of someone who is handicapped. With this sticker you get the best of both worlds!
"Team Lightspeed" - This is my favorite decal. Just read it out loud. I mean, how cool does that sound? It sounds like the name of some top-secret crime fighting organization that doesn't play by the rules. If they had these back in the 70's and 80's, you can bet Mel Gibson would have had one in his car when he made the Road Warrior movies. The word "Lightspeed" shows everyone that your car is really fast, and "Team" lets everyone know that you fit into a really secret group that they could never be in.
I think someone should base a movie or TV series on this window decal. The plot basically writes itself. I can see the ads for it already:
"The sun is exploding! Quick, Get TEAM LIGHTSPEED! Yes, elite fighting force TEAM LIGHTSPEED, primary-color-wearing friends by day, primary colored superheroes by night. With the power to go very fast in their futuristic SPEED WAGONS, TEAM LIGHTSPEED blasts off at the speed of light, ready to combat the evil QUEEN MORDRAGANADIA and her evil space minions! By combining the power of their SPEED WAGONS, TEAM LIGHTSPEED can become THE NIGHTCRAWLER, a super-powered robot mutant cyborg worm from beyond the moon! Whenever danger threatens the innocent citizens of SPEEDLANE CITY, TEAM LIGHTSPEED WILL BE THERE! TEAM LIGHTSPEED, GO!" I was so into this little superhero car fantasy of mine, that I drew a picture.
And here's what I think the nightcrawler should look like:
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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