When working on that hoopty ride of yours, remember two key things: make it louder and make it stand out. If you can find a bright yellow spoiler taller then your car, then by all means, buy it! If you can find neon turn signals, pop those in too! Whenever you drive by, people will notice your car, and wish they had one just like it so they could be like you! Just the other day, I heard Frank (the drunk guy on my street who's always yelling at his girlfriend) say, "Look, there goes Billy in his little car. Gee, I wish I had a car just like his so I could wake people up at 3:00 in the fucking morning!" Well, by following my steps, people will envy you too, just like Billy! So, now that you finally know how to fit into society despite your countless personal shortcomings and faults, remember that you have me to thank: the homeless guy that goes through your garbage.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
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