When working on that hoopty ride of yours, remember two key things: make it louder and make it stand out. If you can find a bright yellow spoiler taller then your car, then by all means, buy it! If you can find neon turn signals, pop those in too! Whenever you drive by, people will notice your car, and wish they had one just like it so they could be like you! Just the other day, I heard Frank (the drunk guy on my street who's always yelling at his girlfriend) say, "Look, there goes Billy in his little car. Gee, I wish I had a car just like his so I could wake people up at 3:00 in the fucking morning!" Well, by following my steps, people will envy you too, just like Billy! So, now that you finally know how to fit into society despite your countless personal shortcomings and faults, remember that you have me to thank: the homeless guy that goes through your garbage.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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