Airports (ârpôrt, -prt). Airports are gigantic, man made concrete structures designed by failed psychology students who have vowed revenge on mankind and seek our eventual downfall. They are complex, evil, challenging mazes of sadism which have been erected not as a service to travellers, but in order to study the breaking point of the human mind and the amount of time it takes before an innocent passenger is driven insane. By nature, all airports are designed with the following key factors in mind:
Airport must maximize the distance from point A to point B, regardless of where these two points are physically located. If point A begins at "gate 12-C", and point B lies at "gate 3-A", the traveler should be forced to cross six walkways, ride aboard two trams, climb up three flights of stairs (and then back down for some reason), and traverse some sort of bridge that's under construction since The Great Depression. If point A begins at "gate 12-C" and point B lies at "gate 13-C", then there should be a gigantic concrete wall blocking the hall, forcing the traveler to walk all the way around the terminal in a circle. Cities build airports this way so passengers will be forced to spend hours walking through the terminal until they weaken and pass out inside the airport gift shop where, due to temporary insanity, they will purchase a ceramic mug with the city's name plastered across it.
Every airport must be designed in the shape of a humongous air freshener. To make passengers forget the fact that they're walking around in something that is essentially used to cover up the stench of pet urine, the architects should attempt to "brighten up" the airports by adding decorative effects such as light gray concrete fins that stick out of the walls, random skylights near the men's restroom, thousands of obstructive pillars, and various items that aren't trashcans, yet travelers opt to throw their frozen yogurt cups in them (potted plants, fountains, sleeping elderly men, etc).
Since smokers should be treated the same way as leprosy victims or Howie Mandel fans, the designated smoking area should be limited to a large glass or plexiglass cubicle, where passing tourists and travellers can point and stare at the wretched, hunched over subhumans who are fighting over the seat closest to the community ashtray. Airport officials should also make sure to adhere "NO SMOKING" signs to the wall every two feet or so, and the terminal intercom should remind the public that smoking in a non-designated smoking area will result in fines up to five hundred million dollars and lethal injection.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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