LingoMaster 2000

Tired of having to type long and complex words such as "you", "mate", and "see you later," LingoMaster 2000 has mastered the art of "Internet Shorthand," which allows him to compose messages with the greatest of ease! He knows so many shortcuts that he has the ability to compact and compress the entire set of works by William Shakespeare into 11 words. This saves him valuable time and energy which can be used to download all the missing episodes of Pokemon onto his 900 zillion gig hard drive.

EXAMPLE CONVERSATION:

YOU: Hey man, did you check out that site URL I just sent you?
LINGOMASTER 2000: y, when u send? been 4ever.
YOU: Send? Y? U? What?
LINGOMASTER 2000: afaik, u been afk
YOU: Huh?
LINGOMASTER 2000: lol, u bhof, bm!!! nfi what ur TA!
YOU: What's wrong with you?
LINGOMASTER 2000: ROTM! nmt, so sh, u wank... tlgo...
YOU: DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?
LINGOMASTER 2000: wgaff

Doctor Hardass

Doctor Hardass is a tough guy! He don't take no shit from nobody online, and he's probably the biggest and baddest motherfucker you'll ever meet! Well, online, that is. In real life, he's just another scrawny 16-year old who is routinely beat up and forced to drink motor oil at school. However, as soon as he logs onto mom's AOL account, he instantly becomes one violent and aggressive guy, ready to kick your ass at the slightest provocation. Be warned: he has the ability to find your address, hunt you down, and kill you at the drop of a hat! Well, that's what he'll claim at least. In reality, mom probably won't let him drive the family station wagon all the way to your house, so you're fairly safe.

EXAMPLE CONVERSATION:

YOU: Hey man, did you check out that site URL I just sent you?
DOCTOR HARDASS: fuck u u fucken faggot shitfucking fucker
DOCTOR HARDASS: im gunna hunt u down and break ur fucken neck u stuped asshole FUCK U!!!!
DOCTOR HARDASS: u fucken queer ass faggot pussy fucker gay homosexual fag faggy fucker fagot ass fuck!!!
DOCTOR HARDASS: stop being so fucken stuped u fucking fag fucker
DOCTOR HARDASS: im gonna through u thru a window and stomp on ur face with my combat boots u fag
YOU: Does that mean you got the URL?

Mister FakeTeen

Although the Internet is known for being a great place to pick up hot and available underage teen girls, there are one or two people out there that choose to impersonate this key online demographic. This is because there's nothing funnier than pretending to be a hot 16-year old girl when, in actuality, you're a fat, balding, sweaty 45-year old man who still lives with his parents and masturbates in the garage every morning. Luckily for all Internet users out there, Mister FakeTeen is fairly easy to spot, as he usually has the raw intelligence of dead, rotting plankton.

EXAMPLE CONVERSATION:

YOU: Hey man, did you check out that site URL I just sent you?
MISTER FAKETEEN: yeah, sexxy! asl?
YOU: No thanks, I just ate.
MISTER FAKETEEN: can I suck your cock? I just got out of junior high school. I have size 68-DDDDDD breasts. I need sex. I want you. oh baby
YOU: Uh, maybe later.
MISTER FAKETEEN: so u dont want a hot 18 year old girl to fulfill ur every sexual desire???
YOU: I thought you said you were in junior high school.
MISTER FAKETEEN: I was but then I got out.
YOU: And you're 18.
MISTER FAKETEEN: do u want my pussy? its soooo hot for you!!!
YOU: NO!!!
MISTER FAKETEEN: fine! : ( Ill just go onto Napster and download som more Journey and Men Without Hats mp3s
YOU: Aren't those bands a bit before your time?
MISTER FAKETEEN: hey, Im only a 17 year old girl! my daddy listens to it. will u be my daddy? Ill make u feel GOOD
YOU: God no!

- Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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