As many of you are sitting at home watching normal people get laid on "MTV Spring Break," wondering if you'll ever get a girl drunk enough to make out with you again, realize that I am too. Don't feel bad, because I'm guessing a lot of people are doing the same thing as well. Whether it be they're too pale to wear a bathing suit, too fat, too skinny, just plain ugly, or simply don't have any friends willing to travel more than 30 feet from their mom's house, people have reasons for wasting their lives sitting at home during Spring Break. But fear not, my fellow readers, for I have compiled a guide so if you ever manage to get over your horrible mental problems, you'll be able to fit amongst the crowd as a seasoned Spring Break party go-er! Or not, whatever.

As a wise man once said... well not really a wise man. He was just a man. He was not really a manly man either, kind of a weak man. Oh fuck it, it was Jervis from "Survivor." Anyway, he once said, "what happens in Cancun, stays in Cancun." Using this logic, feel free to put any morals aside and cheat on significant others, many times if necessary, when out during spring break. If your boyfriend / girlfriend had to stay home to take care of a sick grandparent, more power to you. If "MTV's Spring Break" couple "Survivor" show has taught us anything, and it certainly has, it's that relationships run their course and come to an end, even if the other partner doesn't know it yet. But if anyone knows anything about relationships, it's my good friend Cleo, the tarot card reading psychic. I called up her 1-900 number for more information on the subject.

Hakan: "Hey Cleo, what can you tell me about relationships, spring break-wise."
Cleo: "Eh mon, I just got a king of lions. Yer cheating on yer husband, ye bastard!"
Hakan: "Hey I'm a guy! C'mon, you know me girl!"
Cleo: "You know what dey say! De cards, dey neva lie. Call m'now for yer free tarot readin'!"
Hakan: "But I already called... wait a second, this is a recording!"
Operator: "Please enter the last four digits of your credit card."
Hakan: "You win this round, nimble one.... next time Gadget... NEXT TIIIIMMMMEEEEE!!!" (hangs up)

As I've said before, girls love the musician types. Playing a guitar on the beach or joining a band will help your vacation generate some good memories. There's something about the rich sound of a guitar, the way the moonlight sparkles in a woman's eye, and a gallon of Everclear that makes magical moments happen. If that doesn't work, tell her you love her, pork her, then don't call her ever again. Hey, it worked for the guy who conceived me.

You should believe everything on those "Girls Gone Wild" videos you see ads for on TV. That actually happens all the time - you're just missing out. Girls really have no respect for themselves, so they like to get the attention of the frat guys from Phi Alpha Masta Beta by exposing themselves and gyrating seductively. Also, if a total stranger makes out with you, he / she only did it because you're special. He / she didn't just make out with 10 other people either, one of which probably doesn't have oral herpes.

When a girl asks you if you have a girlfriend, she is really telling you that she might want to sleep with you. You can handle the situation in many different ways.

Girl: "So, do you have a girlfriend?"
Hakan: "Yeah, actually."
Girl: "Oh really, what's she like? Describe her."
Hakan: "Well, she's got 500 MHz, P3 processor, 128 Mb of RAM..." (glancing around) "...and I'm talking to myself again, as usual."

This is no good, you must keep the illusion you have a girlfriend (because girls like things they can't have, and if another girl likes you there must be a reason) but give an excuse so it's reasonable that you can fool around with someone else.

Girl: "So, do you have a girlfriend?"
Hakan: "Yeah... well sort of. I think she's cheating on me with a good friend of mine."
Girl: "Awww, I'm sorry. Wanna talk about it in my hotel room?"
Hakan: "If it'll shut you the hell up."

Any Spring Break trip isn't complete without going to the beach, pool, or somewhere you have to wear a bathing suit. Keep in mind that normal people have bodies in excellent condition, like the kinds you see on TV. If you're a guy and can't bench-press a small car, you're a wuss. If you're a girl and don't have tits as big as a guy who can bench-press a small car, you're ugly. To compensate for your physical failures, do really stupid things like going bungee jumping naked or diving into a river from a bridge at night. Basically, anything that might give you pneumonia is good.

If you're traveling with a group of friends, chances are one of them will bring along drugs. Don't be surprised when suddenly the back of the car you're driving is flooded with marijuana smoke. You have to make it clear that a) sometimes cops patrol highways and get suspicious of cars that look like the ones in "Cheech and Chong: Up in Smoke," and b) marijuana just isn't cool anymore. It's about the X, yo.

Make no mistake, you will eventually hit rock bottom when it comes to drinking. There will come a time where you will have the worst hangover you've ever had in your life. Your head will throb so bad that your heartbeat will make it hurt, and it will feel like something large has just died inside of you. You'll be lying in your bed, not sure if you want to vomit or turn on the fan, when you will contemplate giving up alcohol forever. Don't worry, as soon as you take some Advil and manage to keep down some tap water, you'll forget the whole thing ever happened and resume your normal drinking habits.

Hakan: "What was I thinking Mr. Budweiser? I love you."
Budweiser: "I love you too man."
Hakan: "Maybe I've had enough for tonight."

As you could probably tell, this wasn't really a Spring Break guide. It's mainly stuff I've gathered from staying at home and watching TV. I'm such a loser. If any of you girls out there want to cheer me up, feel free to send pictures of your topless self to [email protected]. It's all I have left to get out of bed for.

– Hakan (@lowtax)

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