I hope my mom doesn't call today because if she asks what I'm doing I'm going to have to say "thinking about Usher's butt"— Greg (@weedguy420boner) November 10, 2012
Ohh you're a FOO-DEE. Thought you said lonely.— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) November 10, 2012
When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write "HELP ME" while maintaining eye contact— Kaylee Harles (@Kalarlis) November 10, 2012
scared to get drunk because I don't want to throw up and show everyone how much string cheese I ate today— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) November 10, 2012
I just made a viral video (sneezed on a VHS tape).— david nuzzy nussbaum (@theNuzzy) November 10, 2012
The funniest part of God's day has to be deciding who gets the really tiny wangs.— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) November 10, 2012
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
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