The book tour begins here!! Get me some caldacot medals or something up in this shit.What up reader people. How has your shit been? Good, I don't actually care and I don't want an answer so I'm just going to assume it's good.

Well the big news is I have a fucking book coming out in September. Yup. I got a big book deal with like a Penguin classics or some shit and we're gonna straight up class this bitch up with tales of the Palins.

This is gonna be the real-dirt-mcgurt tell-all. Basically I feel like I need to get my side of the story out there before I get all misconstrued up by shit.

Being as how all of you are dumb and boring as hell and keep reading my stupid shit I figured I would repay that sort of thing by giving you a first look at some shit from my book. As usual this is going to pillage the headlines and set the blogosphere tweetering and whatnot.

Yup. The book includes a lot of anecdotes and dramatic moments written in my usual casual style about the campaign, family drama, etc. Here's an excerpt about when Mrs. Palin first found out bristol was pregnant the first time with Turl.

Chapter 4: Bristol Got Pregnant

she's about 70% of the way to snookie, just send her to oompa loompa school"Goddamn fuck" roared Mrs. Palin and she threw a mug at a painting of an eagle the size of a boat. "How did you fuck a baby into my precious daughter?"

Todd nodded lactonically and put on some eyeshadow. He remained in the darkness skulking around like a weird dick. I'd seen mrs. palin mad many of times mostly because I was jumping dirt bikes off of the wrong shit in her yard, but this was a whole new level of pissed. I suavely posed and put on all my charms.

"It's not my fault your daughters skeezy fucksleeve was crazy tight and made me instantly blow up like 50 megatons in that ass." I screamed back and waved my hands to emphasize. "She fucks like a hellion what have you been feeding her."

"Oats and grains mostly," argued Mrs. Palin and she turned around and got angrier. "I can't believe this but for now I'm going to take off my shirt. Are you okay with that?" She asked me as she took off her shirt revealing a gigantic rack that was pretty good for an old lady.

"Hell yeah that's fine and how about todd gets me a beer while you're at it"

"Todd you heard the man looks like he's the new boss of this house."

"Yep I winked" I said and winked.

Todd winked back and I felt sort of gay and turned off and I went home without hooking up with mrs. palin.

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About This Column

Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.

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