From: Steeler
To: [email protected]
Subject: got a question

Have you heard of glenn beck and what do you think of him? He's a TV dude on Fox if you don't know.


I love these three the only one I hate is that motherfucker with glasses. Fucking nerd.yeah I have heard of that chumpchange motherfucker. Truth is I used to watch fox news and sponge bob and espn pretty much exclusive, but now I have branched out on account of my boy hannity turned on me and is fucking me up on his show all the time. Glenn beck what the fuck is that? I turned it on one time and I think he was crying about that auto bailout thing and then like a week later he was crying about something else.

That dude is fucked, crying every night like hes a 911 eagle. Just retire from fox or whatever dude! who gives a fuck about acorns and kenya or whatever the fuck nonsense you are talking about. Christ dude.

But Fox and friends still rules. steve brian and tits. those are my boys. Steve doocy has never said a mean word about me that I saw, although I have been watching a lot of bravo lately because tank said I got to stop hitting gay dudes in the face. Nothing against gay dudes, you understand, just I'm so not used to seeing them and when one pops out at a photo shoot or whatever half the time I blast him in the face because its like an alien or a dracula popping out of somewhere. Something you have never seen before. Except for maybe todd palin lol

From: t.walden
To: [email protected]
Subject: question

Hey, Levi, do you support the public option for health care?


I don't come to where you work and slap the pee out of your buttholeI don't know about that it's pretty - of course I fucking do am I some sort of fucking retard? Who gives a fuck about insurance companies they can suck my motherfucking dick. I ain't never been busted up from four wheeling and go into the hospital and think to myself "thank god etna is up in this shit to pick my doctor for me that's exactly what I need is to drive all the way to fucking Palmer with my tibion sticking out because there is some bullshit network and this dude said he can stop the bleeding but he ain't in my network so fuck if I am paying 6,000 dollars for that."

I saw the presidents speech about health stuff where that dude was like "FUCKING FAGGOT!" and the obama dude was pissed as hell. It was pretty funny but obama should have been like "look dude I don't come to where you work and slap the fifty dicks out of your mom's bootyhole" and then got down off his tower thing and walked out there and took a handful of jersey and put it up over that bitch's head and tell him to talk to the knee a couple times see who the fucking faggot is. Leave him all bloody with teeth falling out and be like, "it's called house rules, look it up on the kenya wikipedia"

Goddamn there needs to be more teeth on the floor of that shit. I know I would watch the fuck out of cspan if I saw more red ice.

Besides I am self employed as a straight up pimp player which does not cover my family and I got to see if I can get trog some anti brainwashing pills so he doesnt start yelling about school prayer or burning down libraries or some shit.

From: manda
To: [email protected]

Are you single? I think you are hot and if you ever come to Columbus Ohio I will buy you a

<3 manda


fans hug an ohio state cheerleaderBuy me a what? Cuz it matters. If you were gonna say a gulfstream or rolls royce then fuck yes I am there. But if you are talking about some nasty ass columbus pizza or some netflix then fuck that.

In regards to your preceiving question, girl I am permanently single. You sound fat though. Are you fat? I can feel the jiggle wiggle vibes coming at me through the email. I mean, I might give you a buck and a quater, but I ain't coming to Columbus fucking Ohio for some swollen up larvae looking girl. You got to be able to work it.

Let me ask you this way, because you girls always lie. Have you ever made up a name you give to dudes because so many dudes have been hitting on you and you don't even want them to know your real name and/or you dance weekends at Kitty's Gentleman's Club?

No wait, that shit's too complicated. Do you fit in a tanning bed without adjusting anything? No, that won't work, up in Ohio everybody is fat, even the tan as fuck motherfuckers. I saw a beach one time in Cleveland and all those tanned fat people on the beach looked like a bunch of giant donut holes rolled in sugar.

Oh, well, whatever. I guess I'll fuck you if I ever stop by.

From: Sarah N.
To: [email protected]
Subject: I'm not Sarah Palin I promise

but I think you are a fucking stud!!! KEEP IT REAL LEVI !!! I will rock your world!!!


groupies are crazy back during the republic convention my boy trok had to tackle them to keep them off meGoddamn girl. You are throwing pussy grenades. You are nasty. You are nasty as fuck, girl. I like it though. I like a girl who knows what she wants, I just worry about sanitation issues. Like maybe you come up to my hotel and I pry apart that grilled cheese you got between your lags and hose you out with the wand on the tub. Groupie girl. Nasty groupie girl. Not dating material but I would get crazy with you. Take you out to a junkyard and do your butt while I choke you with a chain or maybe see if you would get naked and wrestle an animal. Have you ever had a black bear lick your cooter?

No, nevermind that, sorry. That shit is illegal. That is how we roll in alaska but I have got to be mindful of my new celebrity status and what have you.

Anyway, that is pretty much it for now. I've got some other emails and some people sent in questions on the forums, but that shit is gay as fuck I'm not paying money to post on the Internet. People pay me millions. Thrillions.

Email my shit if you want to get bitched out some time or whatever. Or don't, like I care.

PEACE!

– Levi "HOckey" Johnston

More Johnston Checks In

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade &amp; Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

About This Column

Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.