FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
125 W. Riley Ave
Wasilla, AK 99654
LEVI "HOckey" JOHNSTON, INTERNATIONAL PLAYER, IS ABOUT TO GET HIS JUNK OUT AND MAKE SEATS WET
Levi Johnston at some Hollywood shit pcitured here with Megan Fox who was probably his date to that shit.Wasilla, Alaska - October 8, 2009 - Women all over the world have been crying out that there pussies have not been getting wet enough because of a serious shortage of prime beefcakes. Dudes are yelling and crying like little babies because they jam up their weiners up and bend them sideways trying to run up on dry gulch there.
These are some dark ass times. Babies are crying and moms aren't coming, windows are broken out of houses, and wild dogs are chasing cats around a yard. Some weird airplane just flew overhead and nobody knows what it is. It is getting dark earlier and earlier. Foundations and studies and shit have gone through scientifically but there is no cure for this crisis that is threatening humanities.
Levi Johnston, former potential professional hockey star who got sidetracked from his MVP rookie year on the Oilers by politics and is now a magazine cover model, professional interviewee, and media mogul, is releasing in this press release the announcement that he is getting super ripped for Playgirl Magazine. It's like Playboy magazine but for girls and gay dudes.This announcement is sure to send ripples through nipples and wet up some goddamn seats like girls got cups of water in their back pockets.
One sight of this sexy flexy stallion will loose the juice on the creakiest, dustiest, mustiest crease a grandma has got. Young hot ladies will fall over and pass out at the sight of this man. Hot moms will probably lift up their shirts and start shooting milk out of their boobs. Regular fat girls will probably get skinny all of a sudden without even a diet. Clittoroids will be popping mad boners and just generally it is estimated that a river of raunchy muff gush is gonna start washing away cars and bridges and shit like American Samoans. People will be writing TOO MUCH PUSSY on their roofs and getting rescued by helicopters and shit.
Don't get any weird ideas you perverts that's my sister mercede I know she is hot as fuck but stfu or I will turn your head upside down with some chin musicNo word yet on what sort of pictures Playgirl is gonna take of Levi Johnston, but mark my words they will be extraordinary. There could be hockey pictures of him without his pants on scoring a goal, crowding the goal, maybe with a hot babe goalie who has her boobs out. They could do a picture of her getting checked into the glass and then maybe another picture with her spreading her buttcheeks apart so you can see her business and all inside her butt. Then another picture with Levi eating a cheesburger without his shirt on and mustard and ketchup are all running over his abs and there's a little hot broad in a mouse suit and she's eating some American cheese off his chest. Not like chowing down, just doing a little nibble on a slice.
Then there could be another one of me in a frigging badass jet plane. Like call it "Top Guns" and I could be flexing in the window of an F-19 or whatever showing off these cannons. Then they could have a couple other broads in like the crew flight suits only they are unzipped all the way down the front so like their boobs are hanging out and you can kinda see some of their fuzz. They could be like changing the tires and gassing up the jet and I'm all up in that bubble flexing and posing. Something about a cockpit and me banging my weiner on the controls and dials and shit.
Then maybe I could fly the jet around some buildings that look like tits and cooters. Maybe fly it down the grand canyon and then I could take all my clothes off and launch a missile at the wall. I don't know if they can do that for real, like maybe it would cost too much, but maybe I could fly over a green screen and then they can put the grand canyon in there like the weather map. Lol just gotta be sure my dick isn't green that day or that would look messed up.
"This is gonna rock so hard I can't fucking wait I got like ten vibrators lined up in a row gonna do them like shots when I get my eyes on this hunk," said Cryssie this girl from Juno. "Goddamn I don't even know I am getting all messed up down south just thinking about it. Feels like I had my period or diaryaed or something down there and it's just filling up my pants. That's how frigging turned on I am."
No date is scheduled yet for this shit to get in eyeball range, but you can be sure Levi Johnston is gonna be all over the media right before it drops. He's gonna be on Today Show, GMA, that one with Kathy Lee and that woman with the made up name, Oprah maybe, and you know I got to sit down with my nigger LK. LARRRRY KING in the house. That dude is the illest. Got those suspenders he looks like someone is trying to shoot a bird out of a slingshot. It'll probably look like this:
I wouldn't mind going in the Situation room, seeing what that's about. Maybe they can conjure up a hologram of sarah palin and use some computer shit to make her titties fall out. I bet they are all messed up at this point. I could go on Keith Oberman and that dude named Rachel who is always laughing about some shit. I like that dude. That is a good dude. He talks about getting drunk all the time I wouldn't mind getting wasted with him, rib on his name a little, just keep that ginger haired dude away. He called me WEAK WTF? You're weak bitch, we shall see. We shall see when we meet at last.
Not going on Hannity. Fuck that n-word. Maybe Glenn Back that dude rules yelling about shit. Crying like somebody squeezed a lemon on his eyeballs. Goddamn you got a TV show dude you can pay somebody to cut your onions. I'll talk to Chris Wallace though. I heard that dude fucks bitches up. Messes them up and pounds craters like operation rolling thunder. He's got a whole scene. He likes to just roll into a club and point out girls to his dude and then that dude brings them back to the VIP and Wallace has her pick out what drinks he should have "cuz thats what I am gonna pee on you later." Sounds messed up, but girls go wild for that shit. They like a take charge dude.
Oh, and Fox and Friends. I'll still go on there, but I promise you I am fucking up that dude with the glasses. I don't know what his deal is but I just want to put some chops on his neck artery until he's straight blacked out, then put him in a barrel and roll him off a mountain. Fuck that dude. I'll rap with steve doocy and kilmeade and that nasty blond girl who is dumb as a turkey.
Anyway, press release over. PEACEEEEE!!!
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to eliminate the plague that is humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.