I've been getting some complaints by e-mail that recent Comedy Goldmines haven't been relatable enough to resonate with a wide audience. However, I have made the intriguing choice to double down - today's article is about being the president of a very small country. Good luck relating to any aspect of this, you jackasses. Oh and uh don't forget to click on a few ads while you're here. Thanks as always to the extremely presidential SA Forum Goons.
I am the president of a very small country. There aren't many of us. Today, I get to be president. Next week, maybe somebody else will be president. Maybe Diane will be president, or Oskar. I have a lot of initiatives. I want to change the lightbulb in the streetlight. I want to do chalk art in the street as a public beautification project. I will draw a duck, and then I will draw a duck. My country has no bodies of water, and I dream of ducks. I want to build a park in Kumail's front lawn using eminent domain. I want to have nuclear weapons, and I want to use the nuclear weapons.
i've been thinking about building a wall because I'm worried a stepdad will jump the border and steal my job as man of the house
The guy from across the street let his dog poop on Diane's lawn again. We tried to chase him but we had to stop at the sidewalk because that's international borders and out of our jurisdiction.
kumail's lawn is frankly wasteful as it must be nourished from the small cup of water we all have to pass around and sip from on a continuous relay of the entire nation (10min/circuit)
when i watch kumail avert his eyes and lightly incline the cup, so that small droplets spill onto the grass of his lawn, i am glad he is barred from the presidency due to his first generation immigrant status.
i am not prejudiced - he is fully naturalised - but people who were born in the big victorian across the street are simply not fitted for the role, and his wasteful environmental policy is living proof of that.
Im worried my curtains are allowing too much light into my country, allowing mrs. pearson to steal my secrets
Tried to get a national anthem going but the Casio is busted and nobody wants taxes to pay for a new one.
Ace of Baes
Almost had an international incident today after foreign aggressors invaded my sovereignty to deliver the microwave oven I ordered off Amazon.
We're very pleased to announce that, after letting one Syrian refugee stay at Dave's Airbnb, we have a higher ratio of refugees to citizen population than any other country in Europe
I've been appointed as director of homeland security because my dad installed a security camera at the front door and he doesn't know how to use it.
Expecting a big national population boom, as I have been fucking lately.
The Remains of Bidet (James Ivory, 1993)
We might find we have more in common than we think if we just stop fighting long enough to combine our bodies into a singular organism.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.