5) You will keep your private displays of affection private. You invited me over, so have sex later.

It started off as any other delivery. It was a nice neighborhood and I was pre-tipped about 5 bucks which is always nice, especially when you're traveling somewhere near the store. The house was really extravagant, and not a thought in my mind made me think I would ever experience the following bizarre tale.

I approached the door, which had one of those giant windows you could see through. I raised my hand to knock and noticed something, something awful. It was two people in their late 40's watching a football game while simultaneously having sex. The man was sitting on the couch and the woman was bobbing up and down, both facing the TV and intently concentrating on the game.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to leave and have them complain for me to return, but if I knocked then I wasn't sure how to react. So I made a snap decision and knocked. Both of them instantly looked at the door and give this look of intense terror like I have never seen before. They disconnected their private parts and took off running into another room. After a few uncomfortable minutes, the man appeared, took the pizza, signed the slip, and slammed the door. Two years later and they still haven't order another pizza from us.

- Michael H.

6) Do not tease male delivery drivers. You may think it is funny to tip us in your used underwear, but used underwear doesn't always pay the bills.

Believe it or not, these are not yet legal tender.Believe it or not, these are not yet legal tender.There's a famous rich-girl arts college in town. Its yearly porn party has left our oldest driver visibly flushed for hours on end, and there's about a 10% chance on any given stop of being tipped in panties or a microbrew.

My friend, a pizza delivery driver, rang the door bell to one of the dorms, and who should answer but a gaggle of teenagers in their underwear. And little else. My friend (a 20-sh male) is suitably impressed. One of them took the pizzas and said "hold on one sec!" and disappeared out of view. She reappared and thrust into my friend's hand a giant pink dildo. Then her friend leaned out from the side of the door with a camera phone and snapped a picture. Then the original girl took the dildo back, said "thanks!" in a bright and cheerful voice, and gavehim a very good tip before slamming the door amidst a hail of laughter and titters.

Apparently he had the good sense to strike a pose when he saw the camera come out, so if you look around, someone's myspace probably has a picture of a domino's driver standing outside a doorway posing heroically with a giant pink dildo.

- Megan, "from a friend"

This Week on Something Awful...

  • We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.