As you sit comfortably behind your computer screen, know that dozens of costumed, unsanctioned crime fighters are working hard to keep your city safe at night. Better get to know them now, before they're brutally murdered in cold blood by actual criminals.
Location: Branson, MO
Origin: Exposed to large amounts of gamma radiation from a faulty CRT monitor.
Powers: Can Twitter about social injustice in the blink of an eye.
Organization: The League of Online Pals
Greatest Accomplishment: Was the first to tweet about suspected police brutality on the corner of Summer and Rosalee. Was also the first to leave the scene immediately.
Quote: "@the_world fear me, for i bring a new kind of justice to the city: tweet justice. know that i stalk the alleys of branson with the intent to"
|Location: Pewaukee, WI|
Origin: Given a radioactive spanking at the age of seven.
Powers: Can quiet any household conflict with gale-force passive aggression.
Weakness: Becomes incapacitated with emotion when in the same room as a Thomas Kinkade painting.
Organization: Pewaukee PTA
Greatest Accomplishment: Single-handedly shamed an entire street full of teenage boys into not masturbating for a week.
Quote: "Sometimes I don't know why I even bother!"
|Location: Los Angeles, CA|
Origin: Half human, half cop; Formercop is one tough customer.
Powers: Knows the California penal code well enough to not get arrested like so many other amateur superheroes; can clock the speed of cars using only his mind and a radar gun.
Weakness: Minorities co-existing peacefully.
Organization: Pancake Breakfast Fund Raiser Association
Greatest Accomplishment: Dated The Bedtimer for three weeks; kept all of her Wilson Phillips CDs.
Quote: "You have the right to remain silent! I'm sure of it!"
|Location: Rosemont, IL|
Origin: Suffered severe brain damage after choking on Strawberry Pocky during a 72-hour Naruto marathon.
Powers: Is fluent in nearly 20 words of Japanese; can clear a room by shouting these words to his friends across said room.
Weakness: English Dubs and intimacy.
Organization: Rosemont Community College Anime Knights
Greatest Accomplishment: Spent only five dollars a month on food until his kidneys shut down from ramen-based dehydration.
Quote: "Yeah, that's a catheter. Now stop gawking and help me slip this bad boy back in."
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.