Here's the second part of the Comedy Goldmine initiated last week, Retarded Customer Questions.
I was once asked by someone I knew in high school, WHILE I WAS RINGING UP HIS PURCHASE, where I worked
I once fielded a telephone call, at my book store, from someone who wanted door trimming (to put round his door). No matter how many times I explained that we were actually a book store and not a DIY store, he still didn't get it.
Sir, you realise you've called a book store.
A (chain name) book store. We sell books, music, movies and coffee.
YES, I KNOW WHAT A BOOK STORE IS!
Let me clarify this for the last time. You're looking for door trimming.
Door trimming. For your door.
YES! I NEED ABOUT 20 FEET!
You're asking a book store, rather than a DIY store, for this?
CAN I SPEAK TO SOMEONE ELSE?
Yes, please call your nearest Home Depot store. Have a good day. *click*
I can only assume it was a prank call from some local radio station. No one is that stupid, are they? (remembers the six billion other retarded questions that have followed in his wake) What am I saying...
I work in floral department. We blow up balloons and crap.
This really ditzy 18 year old girl comes in and asks "Do you guys like sell balloons that are more fresh? Like not with air in them yet?"
Me: "ummmm yeah sure let me show you"
I show her some balloons, she picks one out that isn't inflated and buys it. Then she says;
"Do you know where I can get it blown up?"
I just told her that the only place I could think of was the party store in the center of town. She said GREAT and left. Then she came back a half an hour later and asked if we "Put air into balloons"
I told her no.
I was on the early morning shelf-packing shift on Saturday. The store had just opened and a 60-ish man with pedo glasses and a walking stick came rushing up to me in the cleaning aisle. It was 5.05am and I was effectively still asleep.
Him: You look like you might know. How do I get bloodstains out of a toilet bowl?
Me: Uhh... they should come off with a toilet brush and some toilet cleaner, which is over here...
Him: Nope, these are really stubborn stains.
Me: OK, what about bleach?
Him: Nope, tried that, didn't work either. (leans toward me & whispers) There was a lot of blood.
The unholy hour of the morning, his creepy appearance, and I look like I might know?!
I work for eBay! This isn't really in regards to a stupid question, but its people that don't understand that not reading and simply clicking on "I AGREE" to the terms, can lead to frustration later on.
"WHAT YOU CANT CONTACT THE SELLER FOR ME?! HOLY SHIT OMFG YOU JUST PROTECT THE SELLERS SWEET CHRIST. EBAY JUST LOVES THE ALMIGHTY DOLLAR."
"WTF eBay, I'm getting sick and tired of you always protecting the buyers. This shithead bid on my PS3 and refuses to pay, and now you can't FORCE him to buy it?!"
Oh, and the famous.
"eBay, I bid on the auction that clearly stated "PLASMA TV wholesale list" in the heading, and mentions "THIS IS A FUCKING WHOLESALE LIST" in the auction description 5 times, but i just looked at the picture and bid on it THIS GUY IS A SCAMMER EBAY HOLJHSODFIUJ STOP PROTECTING THE SELLERS OMFG"
And who can forget this timeless classic?
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO SHILL BIDDING?! The guy bidding on the auction has ZERO FEEDBACK, HE MUST be a relative of the seller! NEW PEOPLE don't exist on eBay! What the bleeding fuck, EBAY?!!?!?"
Haha and then there was this sweet lady who was angry that she was "OUTBID"
I was completely confused and could only reply with.
"I noticed in Auction #XXXXXXXXXXX, that 3 members had placed higher amounts for the item in question. If you wish to become high bidder once again, it's simply a matter of placing a higher bid." Then I went into the whole thing about how to do a "Maximum Bid"
I got a VERY SATISFIED survey and she was like HE HELPED ME FIND OUT WHY I WAS NOT HI BIDDER.
Yay radio people! Here's a common classic:
Me: "Hello, The Eagle!"
Tard: "Yeah. Let me talk to [insert personality on a different station across town]?"
Me: "Sorry, They don't work here.
Me: "You've got a different station."
Tard: "Transfer me."
Me: "I can't do that, sorry."
Me: "It's an entirely different company. My phones don't connect to their phones. I'm sure you can find them in the phone book."
Tard: "Look it up for me."
Me: "I actually don't have a phone book in the studio, you could try 4-1-1."
Tard: "You're not much help. I'm never listening to you again."
Me: "You're not listening now — you're trying to reach [different station]"
That's from when I used to be nice and helpful. Now I just pretend to be the other personality — even if it's a guy.
Me - How can I help you?
Douche - How fresh is your popcorn? I ask because I have been to other theaters, and they let it sit around forever and it tastes like ass.
Me - I just popped it no more than 10 minutes ago.
Douche - That isn't fresh enough. Can you please pop me another batch?
Me - Here. Taste it and see if it is ok. I seriously, honestly, just made it.
(Douche makes me put a shitton of butter on the popcorn, then he douses it in salt.)
Douche - This is horrible. I would be happy to wait for a new batch.
I worked at our public library for a while. My job was pretty easy: re-shelf the NONFICTION books. Now, I don't assume everyone knows the dewey decimal system, but I do assume people know the difference between fiction and nonfiction. One gem came from a fellow that was wandering around the nonfiction section for fifteen to twenty minutes. Finally, he comes up to me and states:
I'm trying to find the new Stephen King book, and I've been looking around this section for about 20 minutes! Why do all of these books go by numbers, rather than the author's last name?
sir, um, this is the nonfiction section (as I point to the massive nonfiction sign hanging right above us). Stephen King writes fiction. He's across the room.
what's the difference?
You uh.... well, just go over there.
He was polite. However, this gem was pretty fun for me:
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS BOOK ABOUT AVALANCHES FOR *drastically exaggerated amount of time*. HOW THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO FIND SHIT HERE!?!?!
Sir, the books in this section are arranged numerically. Let me see the book's number.
(His book is in the 400's, he had been in the 100's)
THIS IS THE WORST ORGANIZATION OF BOOKS I'VE EVER SEEN! WHY WOULDN'T YOU JUST ARRANGE THEM BY TYPE OF BOOK!
Sir, they are. Avalanches are natural disasters, so they go in the disasters and Earth section.
THAT'S STUPID! I'M GOING TO FILE A COMPLAINT TO YOUR MANAGER!!
My manager was a sweet 70 year old woman who simply gave this man a blank stare and said she would get right on it.
We've found some cool stuff in the woods. Now it's time for you to pinkie swear you won't tell mom and dad.
There's a Brainiac. He's not THE Brainiac. However, he's one aspect of Brainiac. Or maybe there's supposed to be a different Brainiac in every universe and they're all cosmically connected, presumably via their brains. Either way, I think this particular Brainiac is the boss Brainiac.
I highly recommend Windows 10 With Mouse + Keyboard Support Edition
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.