This week I decided a change was in order. Tired of all the Gokus and almost naked anime girls I've been privileged to see, I yearned for something new. Something bad. Something so shitty and horrible that it made me want to go back to those Gokus and almost naked anime girls, clinging to their bulging muscles and crying into their flat chests about how sorry I was that I left them. Fortunately there is a whole different continent spewing out electronic trash, and this certain piece of garbage had such a putrid stench that I knew it had to be played then fairly and accurately reviewed.
The journey sent me across the Pacific, and to the majestic United States of America wherein God's gift to computer games lives, safely locked away inside his fortified castle in Texas. After crossing the wide, completely bad game-free plains of America and sailing across the mighty Atlantic I reached my final destination, some place in Europe. I say some place because I honesty don't know which country made PrisonServer. The .uk web address but horribly broken English and constant references to locations in France contradicted each other, forcing me to blame the whole European Union for making this monstrosity.
PrisonServer takes place in a Euro-Socialistic Paradise Prison where inmates are allowed to roam free, armed with guns and battle axes in case any fascist pigcop should dare attempt to enforce their punishment. While calling itself a Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Game (MMORPG) only five people have ever played PrisonServer, and I think it's safe to assume that until this game was chosen to be reviewed there hasn't been two players on at the same time in PrisonServer's history.
PrisonServer doesn't hold back any punches, and it hit me right away that this was the real deal. The title screen alone set the pace for the rest of my time with PrisonServer; and I watched in horror as a custom model from Quake 3 beat his ugly wife. After his ham-like arm finally returned to his side of the screen thanks to a court ruling, I moved on to character creation. PrisonServer gave me the option of playing a short fat guy or a tall fat guy. I assume I could have created a female but I wanted to join the Klan and I don't think they would tolerate a girl PMSing all over their white sheets. My dreams of playing a racist were hung out to dry when I found out that for some crazy reason, the creators of PrisonServer added in a Chicago Bears jacket and bright orange pants to the game. Thus, Superfan the serial killer was born.
I entered the game and awoke in my prison cell that looked like it belonged in a Nancy Drew adventure game instead of a prison simulation. There was no 350 pound cellmate named Pounder or something as equally referring to gay prison rape, and for that I was thankful. I left my cell since it wasn't locked and went to the lobby of the cell block. After chatting up a hot female guard for a while she told me the ins and outs of proper shanking procedures and how to sharpen spoons into deadly weapons. Armed with the knowledge of prison stabbing techniques I set off to the most important part of any prison, its toilets.
I walked in looking for people with horse shoes on their clothing; these being the ones I decided my character would slaughter in his extensive 20 page back story that is required to get into the top tier of roleplaying gangs in the PrisonServer community. Although no victims were to be found, I did stumble upon my favorite NPC in the game. Sadly he didn't have my preferred type of man, an ex-football coach and hall of fame player with sunglasses and a mustache. Our conversation about the finer points of homosexual prostitution was cut short as a level 125 gang member shot me for 20,000 damage.
Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic follow up to "Baby Got Back" has serious unintended consequences.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
"Free" MMORPGs have grown in popularity to the point of supersaturation. How on Earth can one person possibly play them all and determine the best platform for painfully long level grinding, illiterate online communities, and fatal bugs? MMO Roulette examines a different online "free" role playing game every other week, providing you the lowdown on each. Every chamber is loaded when you play MMO Roulette.