The Butterfly Effect 3: REVELATIONS

Don't be sad, Glenn! The other black character in the movie doesn't even get a name! Which wouldn't be that big a deal, if it weren't set in FUCKING DETROIT.I could complain even more about the script or the acting or the fact the cast and crew didn't partake in a mass guilt-driven suicide -but I won't. Because of course Butterfly Effect 3 isn't trying to be a good movie. It is trying to be a cheaply done, rapidly produced bad movie, in the hopes that enough people will drunkenly stumble into a 7-11 and accidentally grab it instead of Saw 98 for the producers to make a profit. One thing I noticed is that the film makes a lot of hamfisted attempts to court the lowest common denominator with a blatant blanket- appeal approach, trying to grab a bunch of demographics. Let's celebrate us some diversity!

• Appeal to men: Every woman ever wants to have sex with you, especially your sister! Also, there is some very classy pornography involving a glass table that you absolutely should not click on if you are at work or with your grandmother (unless of course she too wants to have sex with you, in which case go get 'em tiger!).
  
• Appeal to women: Strong female characters who have many dynamic personality traits, including butnotlimited to a) wants to have sex with the protagonist and b) deceased. Also when Sam can't get a boner with a stranger after a night of heavy drinking, they immediately accuse him of being gay, just like any modern woman would! You faggot.
  
• Appeal to black people: Hey, do you guys miss playing busboys in every movie and/or being blasted with high-pressure fire hoses? Well how about a nice dose of racial type casting to bring back warm memories of the good old days! Seriously, if you can't write black characters that aren't "fat balding detective" or "crazy ebonics-spewing harpy," just set your fucking screenplay in Sweden.
• Appeal to misogynists: Okay, I know from a decade of hanging out here that a guy can pretty much prance around in a tutu made of a hooker's flayed skin and the Internet will nod its collective approval, provided she's over 98 pounds (obese). But when a movie has a very detailed depiction of a woman sobbing and shrieking as her entrails get sawed to bits while heavy metal blares as if it were the most badass thing since steroid abuse, that's fucking creepy. Unless, of course, the bitch wouldn't post tits.
  
• Appeal to neckbeards: Soundtrack akin to that of a bad Japanese roleplaying game circa 1996.

And there you have it. At the peak of the stuttering monologue that acts as the movie's dramatic finale, a character giggles, "Wow, this is so Scooby Doo, isn't it?" Comparing itself to a boring cartoon that uses two-frame animation with plot twists an eight-year-old could figure out is the smartest thing it ever does.

But why am I pointing this out to you? It's the christhumping Butterfly Effect 3, for fuck's sake.

– Eileen "Raptor Red" Stahl