In the ten minutes following the disappearance of mankind our closest friends in the animal kingdom will be the first to notice our absence. Cats will meow at windows and doors, birds will flap around and bite the bars of their cages, and dogs will eat the cakes set out for surprise birthday parties.
Livestock will react with confusion in the immediate aftermath. Generations of breeding has left them ill-prepared for the wild. With nowhere else to go, cows will make their way up into trees and refuse to come down. Pigs will run in terror from the rain. Chickens will find themselves baffled by grass. Goats will stand around in the empty, decaying bottoms of our forgotten swimming pools and shark aquariums.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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