In the ten minutes following the disappearance of mankind our closest friends in the animal kingdom will be the first to notice our absence. Cats will meow at windows and doors, birds will flap around and bite the bars of their cages, and dogs will eat the cakes set out for surprise birthday parties.
Livestock will react with confusion in the immediate aftermath. Generations of breeding has left them ill-prepared for the wild. With nowhere else to go, cows will make their way up into trees and refuse to come down. Pigs will run in terror from the rain. Chickens will find themselves baffled by grass. Goats will stand around in the empty, decaying bottoms of our forgotten swimming pools and shark aquariums.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.