Sharks: they're nature's greatest aquatic murder machines, but they're also the inspiration for a whole metric shitload of terrible, terrible movies. The best thing about sharks is of course that above all, no matter how mutated or irradiated or hyper-evolved or consumed with a lust for horny teenagers' blood they might become, they never, ever talk or try to have screen chemistry, which if you're anything like us you'll quickly find makes them the heroes of every single movie this week. And why not? It is their week, after all.
The first movie on our list you might be tempted to actually watch is the titular Shark Week. Of course, this is an obvious trap, because Shark Week is a production of The Asylum, a.k.a. the cinematic graveyard where human decency and good taste go to painfully die. Who else but fucking Asylum could come up with a title as gripping and original as Shark Week: The Movie?
Goddamn it, they went full Birdemic on us.And of course, wheresoever goeth Asylum, so too go the hallmarks of their brand: dumb and/or confusing gimmick, totally unnecessary swooping helicopter shots, a talent pool so shallow it makes the Baldwin family look like the Coppola family, and an operative understanding of "parody" so low most 10-year-olds would find it cringeworthy, at best. All of these come together to form the most half-assed, unwatchable ripoff movies you could ever imagine. This is a tragedy because it feels like even more of a waste, somehow; you could probably make a dozen Slaughterhouse Massacre sequels for the price of one Shark Week, and we'd rather sit through The Marty Sickle Chronicles: Parts I-XII by far, although getting beaten to death with a rubber hose would be strongly preferable to either experience.
Unlike most Asylum productions, Shark Week at least has the distinction of not being an obvious rip-off of an existing movie designed solely as a cynical cash grab directed at confused grandparents buying Christmas gifts. This is, predictably, not an improvement, leading to a shark-obsessed villain called Tiburon whose hobbies include feeding random people to baby sharks and looking like the Dos Equis guy's stunt double after he got his DNA crossed with Joe Estevez in a cloning machine.
Choice Quotable Lines to Repeat While Watching Actual Shark Week:
You should watch this movie if:
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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