Sharks: they're nature's greatest aquatic murder machines, but they're also the inspiration for a whole metric shitload of terrible, terrible movies. The best thing about sharks is of course that above all, no matter how mutated or irradiated or hyper-evolved or consumed with a lust for horny teenagers' blood they might become, they never, ever talk or try to have screen chemistry, which if you're anything like us you'll quickly find makes them the heroes of every single movie this week. And why not? It is their week, after all.
The first movie on our list you might be tempted to actually watch is the titular Shark Week. Of course, this is an obvious trap, because Shark Week is a production of The Asylum, a.k.a. the cinematic graveyard where human decency and good taste go to painfully die. Who else but fucking Asylum could come up with a title as gripping and original as Shark Week: The Movie?
Goddamn it, they went full Birdemic on us.And of course, wheresoever goeth Asylum, so too go the hallmarks of their brand: dumb and/or confusing gimmick, totally unnecessary swooping helicopter shots, a talent pool so shallow it makes the Baldwin family look like the Coppola family, and an operative understanding of "parody" so low most 10-year-olds would find it cringeworthy, at best. All of these come together to form the most half-assed, unwatchable ripoff movies you could ever imagine. This is a tragedy because it feels like even more of a waste, somehow; you could probably make a dozen Slaughterhouse Massacre sequels for the price of one Shark Week, and we'd rather sit through The Marty Sickle Chronicles: Parts I-XII by far, although getting beaten to death with a rubber hose would be strongly preferable to either experience.
Unlike most Asylum productions, Shark Week at least has the distinction of not being an obvious rip-off of an existing movie designed solely as a cynical cash grab directed at confused grandparents buying Christmas gifts. This is, predictably, not an improvement, leading to a shark-obsessed villain called Tiburon whose hobbies include feeding random people to baby sharks and looking like the Dos Equis guy's stunt double after he got his DNA crossed with Joe Estevez in a cloning machine.
Choice Quotable Lines to Repeat While Watching Actual Shark Week:
You should watch this movie if:
We're not going to solve gun massacres with bad manners, people.
The guns are gone. Now what happens to all those paper targets? Don't tell me you forgot about the paper targets. The ones hanging from little clips on fancy clotheslines at shooting ranges. With no guns to destroy these legions of paper bastards, they go unchecked.
A sign proclaiming "BACTA: DA FUTURE" marks the town's medical clinic
1998: I upload dave.pcx, and change the course of history
Set goals for yourself, and fulfill them. Absurd! Only in video games!
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.