Noooo! Not good ol' Pissy! The pisser is hard at work emptying his bladder when he hears motion in the brush behind him.
"Want me to piss on you?" He asks, and then turns while spraying urine and pees on what he assumes to be the legs of his friend.
But wait, those legs are clad in camouflage! Could it be? It is! The nail gun killer looks down through his cyclopean helmet at his legs and then looks slowly back up at the pisser.
"Well," says the nail gun killer, "you just pissed me off."
The nail gun killer rewards the pisser's aim with a bellyful of nails and then finishes him off with a grisly coup de groin. Back at the tree, the woodcutter grows impatient waiting for his chum and decides to fire up the chainsaw. No sooner has the woodcutter revved the chainsaw to full speed than our nail-flinging hero fires off a volley of nails into the back of his head. As the woodcutter collapses over the log he was about to defile, a lucky stroke of the chainsaw severs his hand.
"Now, now," chides the nail gun killer, "you really shouldn't fall to pieces…over me."
A couple of days later, or so, a big blue Buick pulls up behind the abandoned pickup truck. Out steps an immense slab of a man with a commendable beard and a shiny badge. This is one half of our crime-solving duo of heroes; the sheriff of New Shittington. It's unfortunate that the sheriff is forced to patrol the mean streets of the town in a regular old Buick, but he has a CB-radio and an extra antenna on his car.
Feel the sound of T.A.M.E.D. Meanwhile, in a depressingly grimy general store somewhere in town, a young man in a totally sweet white hat that says "T.A.M.E.D." on the front is buying groceries. He stands by while the elderly cashier names prices for the various canned foods he is purchasing.
In this scene, the crew has made the interesting decision to place the audio equipment next to a refrigerator. As more and more people crowd into the tiny general store, the cacophony grows. Throughout the scene the actors' voices struggle to be heard over its chilling rumble. Bill and Terry could not have made the refrigerator more involved in this scene if they had given it lines of dialogue and a microphone. Still not satisfied that the terrible actors were being shouted down enough by the scenery, a blaring hillbilly radio station is suddenly added to the mix. Then the actors begin to talk randomly over one another, often with one character addressing another through two other characters who are also talking.
The gist of the scene, I think, is that a suspiciously young mother and her two sons have been allowed to live for free in the house where the first victim of the nail gun killer met his end. That enticing piece of real estate, already probably infested with all manner of horrifying woodland vermin, has the added bonus of being the location of a recent murder. All they have to do to live there is fix the place up! What a deal!
Back at the pickup truck, the New Shittington's only doctor has arrived to assist the sheriff with his investigation. Whereas the sheriff looks like a semi-cleaned version of Grizzly Adams, the doctor looks like someone who stepped out of the retarded version of a Lee Jeans commercial. The sheriff even makes fun of the ridiculous denim jacket the doctor is wearing. Hey, buddy, at least it's not as dumb as a motorcycle helmet covered in electrical tape!
10-4, this is Mountain Man, I read you 5 by 5 The sheriff has located the bodies and he takes the doctor to inspect the crime scenes. The doctor's method of examining bodies is to sort of bend his head down near to them, look disappointed, get his fingerprints on their clothes and then make some disappointed or joking comment. When the sheriff mentions the dead body found out at the cabin in the woods, the doctor asks if they ever found Mary-Sue and her kid.
"Yeah," the sheriff says with a disappointed look, "yeah, we found 'em."
What the fuck kind of answer is that?! Did you find them a little cold and scared, but otherwise alright, or did you find them nailed into a house as load bearing corpses? The doctor seems about as interested in pursuing the question as he seems in pursuing the examination of the two dead bodies.
Meanwhile, the golden hearse is out on the prowl. It doesn't stop for a hitchhiker, but when the man puts away his thumb and brings out his middle finger, old nail gun killer slams on the brakes. The hitchhiker runs up to the passenger side of the hearse and seems to make no notice of the fact that the driver of a hearse is wearing a motorcycle helmet. He thanks the nail gun killer profusely. When the nail gun killer replies by taking aim with the nail gun, the hitchhiker uses the dubious strategy of "backing straight away from the window while pleading" to try to cheat death. Nail gun killer gives the hitchhiker a few things to think about and then steps out of the hearse to finish the poor guy off using his razor sharp one-liners.
"You should never hitch a ride with a hearse," the nail gun killer pauses to blast the hitchhiker with a couple of nails, "unless you're dying."
The nails pin the hitchhiker's hands to the surface of the road.
"You hitchhikers are all alike," taunts the nail gun killer, "stuck out on the road."
That nail gun killer, a beauty AND a wit! The nail gun killer has saved his most brutal zinger for last. He takes note of the way the nails have pinned the hitchhiker's hands together.
"It's nice to see a hitchhiker praying. Maybe they can still save you. A lot of long rest…and a vaccination."
Brutal! The nail gun killer puts the nail gun to the hitchhiker's upper arm and fires a nail. As you might expect if you've ever read an anatomy book, this renders the hitchhiker unconscious.
Back in the crime-solving part of the movie, the sheriff and the doctor have been called to the area behind an auto parts shop. The hillbilly owner has found a dead woman covered with nails. This woman has never been seen before in the movie and the sheriff and doctor spend only a few seconds looking at her corpse before the sheriff gets a radio call about the dead hitchhiker. The sheriff seems completely disinterested with her and the doctor is just chillin' in his jean jacket, along for the ride. As the two depart, the owner of the auto parts shop is justifiably (if not eloquently) outraged at their complete apathy.
The sheriff and doctor arrive at the scene where the hitchhiker's body has been found by a truck driver. The doctor immediately proclaims that the hitchhiker has been dead for several hours. He is nailed to the fucking middle of the fucking road! How much easier could the nail gun killer have made it for people to find his body? Maybe next time he could lift him up and nail him to a big highway road sign.
I have raised over $300 participating in quilting bees for the American Quilting Bee Society so I think I deserve at least seven minutes of your time.
Ernest Cline, writer of Ready Player One, shares his newest poem.
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