Asphyxiated after sewing himself into Shanna's mattress in an attempt to "score".


Estranged third wife of Jughead. Made herself barren in an attempt to destroy their unborn love child with the antenna of a cordless phone.


Died in what he thought was Vietnam. It was really the woods behind a Vietnamese restaurant.


Like all redheads, after being found guilty he was executed and his body was processed into prison soap.


Started his own X-Treme Christian Youth group based on the teachings of Tony Hawk.


Now teaching Freebasing 101 at Addiction Community College, and moderator of "Goons with Spoons" on the Something Awful Forums.

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.

  • Helping Your Real Friends Move

    Helping Your Real Friends Move

    A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.