Time to observe some anime fauna to get a feel for how to act. I learn one trick early on: just act cool. Look at these guys scowling at the anime wares. They're totally over it. Princess Peach is like three feet away from them, but they don't even bat an eye. I must restrain my emotions and stay stone-faced in the presence of these boundless wonders.

Just be cool. He's got all these big fucking amazing swords, but I have to roll with it and pretend like nothing special is going on. They'll know I'm not one of them if I betray the merest hint of fright or awe. Who is this man with the giant sword? What complex emotions carry him into battle? Looking at this photo now, I'm deeply affected by his fawn-like gaze, full of mystery and sadness. Just a frail boy, called to fight a man's war…

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, it is like the entire Mario Brothers gang, and they're all here next to me. Just play it cool, Dave, you don't want to look like a tourist. Standing with the whole Nintendo gang is totally normal. Don't freak out. You have no idea how hard I want to hug Mario right now, just hug him and weep and tell him what he means to me.

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

  • SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.