Dave: Our boss, Rich "Lowtax" Boruff, sent us an incredible gallery of weirdos from some kind of Steampunk gathering in New York. In case you're unfamiliar with the, uh, literary genre (?), Steampunk is a thing where... no, fuck this, I am absolutely not going to explain what Steampunk is. Just look it up. Anyway, by official mandate, Zack and I were forced to look at these jerks.
Zack: The most elderly-friendly fandom is like a cross between civil war reenactment and LARPing, only not quite as cool as those two things. Enjoy your trip with us to the 2012 Steampunk World's Fair.
Dave: The cool thing about steampunk is you can use all your old ren faire gear AND your mid-life crisis biker shit.
Zack: I'm sure that hat has seen many an aloe vera Kleenex and crumpled first page of sci-fi manuscripts before it became a hat.
Dave: It looks like something an Indian kid would hide snakes in, like in a Johnny Quest episode or something.
Zack: What do you call a corset that just sort of gave up? A Corseh?
Dave: A forcet?
Zack: That is definitely it
Dave: I'm reasonably sure she's got it on backwards, too, but I'm sure as hell not going back there to check.
Zack: Ah, don't be afraid. All you'll find is a blown out pagan moon tattoo and stairs made out of human back fat.
Dave: This guy had major anxiety before he left the house about whether to pick the sweet goggles or the sweet eyepatch, and eventually he was like "fuck it, this doesn't have to make total sense."
Zack: I can just imagine him at home, suiting up Commando style, only with way more grunting, and thinking to himself, "Finally, steampunk has made my eye patch cool again" as he holsters his repainted Nerf pistol.
Dave: There's that old fashion chestnut about taking an accessory off before you leave the house, but I suppose if this guy had ever taken a single fashion tip seriously in his entire life he wouldn't be in this dire fucking situation.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.