Stone Cold Steve Austin: Let me get this straight.
my DAMN VEGETABLES?
Nuh-uh! There ain't nobody tough enough to make Stone Cold Steve Austin eat his veggies! No one in that damn locker room. No one in this whole damn arena. No one in the entire damn universe has the muscles to open my mouth and make me chew on a damn broccoli.
That's a Stone Cold fact!
(Flips double middle fingers at the camera as the crowd goes wild)
Hollywood Hulk Hogan: (Pawing at the side of his face)
Mrrrow! Meow! I'm a little kitty cat! I'm sooooo thirsty. Time to lap up some nice milk. Hey, where's my saucer?
(Looks into camera)
HSSS! You took my saucer! Brother, I'm gonna rear up on my hind legs! And I'm gonna bap ya into submission with my cute widdle paws!
Mankind: Last week I experienced the ultimate humiliation at your hands, Undertaker. You did a wrestle move on me! Now it's personal.
Next week, at the big pay per view, I'm going to walk down that ramp. I'm going to climb into that ring. They're going to lower that steel cage. They'll lock it up tight. Then...
(Shaking with rage, whispers)
I'm gonna do a wrestle move on you.
HHH: You are a pee pee. You are a poo poo.
HHH and Shawn Michaels: (In unison, with flat matter-of-fact delivery as they do crotch chops) This is my crotch.
Shawn Michaels: You are a dumb person. You smell like a bad thing. You are not masculine enough for my liking.
HHH and Shawn Michaels: (In unison, while doing crotch chops) This is my crotch.
HHH: Our crotches are where our privates live!
(Flexes and spits into the air as half a million dollars worth of pyrotechnics go off)
The Rock: (Struts into frame, slightly turns his head toward the camera and lifts his sunglasses)
What's this I hear about Stone Cold Steve Austin not eating his veggies?
(Raises an eyebrow)
Steve, Steve... don't you KNOW that vegetables make you big and strong? Didn't big bald mama Austin tell you about the nutritional value of a carrot?
What do you think about kale?
It DOESN'T MATTER what you think about kale!
(Fully turns his body toward the camera, sweating as he clenches and unclenches his fists)
This Sunday I'm gonna take a big ol' handful of those Brussels sprouts. I'm gonna turn em sideways. And I'm gonna cram that handful of Brussels sprouts right down your jabroni pie hole cause the Rock is the rootinest, tootinest, make-you-eat-a-spoon-of-this son of a bitch on the planet!
(Tilts his head up to begin the classic "If ya smell" bit, but instead of dangling a microphone over his mouth it's a handful of asparagus, which he chomps)
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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