We last left our intrepid party of investigators - Kurt Cobain, Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, and Eazy-E - in the early 1990s having dealt with a serial-killing cult of flame-monster Tulzscha. It is now 1992, a presidential election year, and things seem relatively quiet. But a surprise third-party presidential candidate is gaining serious traction with a platform of "nuking the Arabs." Unless the investigators can stop him and his sinister agenda, Morton Downey Jr. just might become the next president of the US of freaking A. Loosely based on the scenario "The Yithian Candidate" from The 1990's Handbook.

Zack: Okay, here's the situation, we left off last time at the Nickelodeon station. Ninja Turtle ghouls ate the face off Left Eye's pal. Should Cobain fight them? Yeah, of course he should.

Steve: Keepers just don't understand.

Steve: It would be incredible if you could do this whole thing in rap lyrics.

Zack: That was more than enough to strain my credibility. But I rap talked the truth, Steve, Left Eye's contact Leftenant Remo Harris is dead and Kurt Cobain is cornered by the Ninja Turtle ghouls backstage at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.

Steve: Yeah, fortunately Cobain has his secret weapon. Remember the one you pulled on me last time? Allow me to jog your memory:

Zack: Oh yeah, hidden quickdraw tonfas. Classic Cobain.

Steve: Kurt will pop those babies out and start disarming the turtles.

Zack: That's not hard because their weapons are plastic and smash apart at the lightest touch. The ghouls seem to be relying more on their claws and hideous snapping teeth. Kurt knocks out Raphael and Donatello, but Leonardo lands a wicked bite on Kurt's arm and Michelangelo shreds Kurt's armored flannel.

Steve: What martial arts does Kurt Cobain know?

Zack: Let's think about this rationally. I mean, really, what martial art is a Seattle grunge slacker like Kurt Cobain going to know?

Steve: Karate?

Zack: Close. As you may recall, he is experienced in the Thai martial art of Krabi Krabong (60%) following his time as a South African mercenary fighting in Southeast Asia. It allows him to wield his tonfa as Mai sok san, incorporating them into a flowing style of brutal strikes.

Steve: Oh, Krabi Krabong is on the sheet. I thought that was a joke or something. Didn't I have him fight ghouls before?

Zack: Yes, he is an experienced ghoul battler, which is why he did not have to suffer a sanity loss when Donatello revealed his nightmarish visage.


More WTF, D&D!?

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Freakypizza: The Sweater Curse

    Freakypizza: The Sweater Curse

    Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.

  • Spout.ly Drinking Fountain Enthusiast Lingo

    Spout.ly Drinking Fountain Enthusiast Lingo

    Can't tell a drinking fountain from a urinal? We've got you covered. Brush up on your drinking fountain enthusiast -- or sipper -- vocabulary and learn to talk and swap sips with the best of them.

Copyright ©2015 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.