This article is part of the BarkWire.com series.

Hazard's Whereabouts
Posted by BigDog on March 15, 2014

Hope's white knight was no help at Slurry Creek, that's for sure. There's been a lot of talk that he's been getting busy with Solstice lately, but according to my research, that was just a one-time thing. Still, no doubt Barnacle will want to weigh on on that tryst given his own history with Solstice. No surprise Hazard would want to lay low for that reason alone, but the death of his long-time sweetheart has to be weighing pretty heavy, even if they were finished.

Hazard's been spotted around the county line a couple times over the last couple days, and some have even seen him with a black lab. Look folks, it's just some random county mutt. It's not who you think it is. That dog, and all he stood for, is long gone.

Filed under dog apb, tellin' like it is. 0 Comments.

Weekly Spottings
Posted by BigDog on March 14, 2014

Yours truly has had a busy week locking eyeballs on Shaggy Butte's furballs.

  • Caribe: Spotted this idiot stuck in the toilet seat in the McDonald's bathroom. No idea how he got there, but he caused me to have to use the women's restroom. Typical dirty looks from the ladies there, but I had business to take care of and no time to worry about women's rights.
  • Bauwaus: One of my top picks for 2014. This Great Dane has it all: style, substance and a good attitude. Too many dogs here are entitled and stuck up, thanks in part to all the attention BarkWire idiots like to throw at them. Not Bauwaus, who keeps it cool. He was looking great just sitting by a bench, minding his own business.
  • Ozark: saw him on the side of the road... dead. No surprises there. Might have been a clump of tar and old carpet swatches, though.
  • Thriller: looks like this bad boy has fallen in with Meathook's crew. Interesting development for Hope's former fling, and a long-time target of harassment from Meathook's pack. Maybe he proved himself ruthless enough recently? Either way, I saw Thriller and Meathook eating some geese near Helch Lake.
  • Gossip: saw her following around some of those random albino dogs all over town. Wonder if she's grown tired of Cleaver and is falling in with Space Cult? Guilty conscience, maybe? Makes me stroke my van dyke and wonder.
  • Corn: he's been sitting motionless in the ROSS parking lot for a couple days. Pretty typical behavior for him.
  • Babylon: saw her being wheeled out from the thrift store on a furniture trolley. Hope she's OK. BigDog holds her in high regard.
  • Barnacle: he's been on a real bender the last couple days, picking fights and vandalizing everything. Blue Yonder seems to have left him in the dust. If we know one thing about Barnacle, he doesn't handle rejection well.

Obviously no points here, since these are all Known Dogs. Just keeping tabs on the locals.

Filed under dog apb, dogspots, tellin' like it is. 0 Comments.

The Worst Dog of the Week
Posted by BigDog on March 13, 2014

Ladies and gentlemen: White Boy. My ponytail is more dog than this sorry sack of fur. When I heard loud barking coming from Cobb Square, I rode over to see what the fuss was about. Turns out this moron was just barking at birds. I watched White Boy yelling for a solid hour. Every so often he'd turn and bark at a squirrel or homeless person, but then it was back to those birds. Way to waste my time, idiot.

Besides, Loudmouth already claimed the barking for no reason gimmick and elevated it to the next level. He's 50% of why Loudmouth and Bulldozer are the 3rd most popular dog duo in town.

Filed under the worst dog, tellin' like it is. 0 Comments.

Podcast Woes
Posted by BigDog on March 13, 2014

The latest episode Ruffhousing has been delayed. There were some technical difficulties with my computer being in sleep mode when I thought I was recording, so I spent a good solid 6 hours talking about dogs for nothing. I'm as disappointed as anybody, because when I get to talking, I lay it all out, no holds barred, barely stopping to breathe. I even got deep into some never-before-revealed info about Charybdis, the fattest dog in town. Let's just say yours truly made some startling discoveries after examining his leavings.

I promise to re-record it as soon as I can, and everyone will finally get the long-awaited second episode.

And even though it never aired, feel free to visit my sponsor, Dog of the Month Club. Use promo code "ruffhousing" to get a free month.

Filed under podcasts, podcasting, new media, ruffhousing podcast, tellin' like it is. 0 Comments.

Who's the Pops?
Posted by BigDog on March 13, 2014

Since Hope just crocked, and it turns out she was pregnant, it's probably a good idea to figure out who the father was. Should be pretty obvious once we go down the list of suspects:

  • Hazard: nope, no way. He and Hope had been apart for at least a month, and there's just no way we wouldn't know if these long-time lovebirds reunited.
  • Meathook: I don't see it. This monster can't go anywhere without it being a big production, thanks to his entourage of creeps like Cleaver, Hindsmell, Monsanto, Chamberpot and Murder Ballad. The whole town would know.
  • The Barquis de Sade: had no shot with her while she was alive, but obviously circumstances have changed in his favor.
  • Cleaver: he's a rotten apple, but he's had his mind on Gossip from the start.
  • Ozark: the toxic sludge he lived in eroded his gonads over a decade ago.
  • Thriller: my leading candidate. You put a litter of Thriller Juniors in Hope, and that's bound to piss off everyone who hates Thriller, namely Hazard, Meathook, Barnacle and a dozen others.
  • Caribe: He's gotten stuck in weirder places. Could have been one of his many improbable mishaps.
  • Corn: HAHAHAHAHA. No, seriously. Hahahaha.
  • Whoops: The one thing we know about Whoops, besides him giving out "free" wifi somehow, is that he is fixed. I checked myself when I was looking for a hidden router.
  • Barnacle: made dog around town. He gets what he wants, and he's had his eye on Hope on more than one occasion.
  • Nectar: Pretty sure this weirdo is saving himself for Ambrosia.

Filed under paternity issues, dad's rights, tellin' like it is. 0 Comments.

No More Hope
Posted by BigDog on March 12, 2014

By now everybody in town knows what went down at Slurry Creek. Hope got her long-overdue comeuppance. Boo hoo. If history tells us anything, we've got a solid month before everyone forgets her and starts fawning over some new darling dog.

Look folks, Hope wasn't a bad dog, just a supremely overrated dog. Every day I ride my recumbent bike around town, I see dog after dog lining up, trying to impress me with the same old song and dance. Few measure up, and so I flip the bird and keep rolling.

Everyone is racing to place blame, and let me tell you, Hope was no angel. Plenty of dogs benefit from her dying, and plenty more would be happy seeing her get her just desserts. Just you wait and see. Follow her scent, and it's going to lead you someplace dark and terrible.

Filed under rip, tellin' like it is. 0 Comments.

– BigDog (@Livestock)

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The seedy canine underworld of Shaggy Butte is explored in this hard-hitting series combining obsessive pet fanatics and crowd-sourced internet reviews.

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