Yo you want to ride the ivory wave then step right in my ninjas. Allow me to spit the red faygo of truth at you. Forget everything you heard. Number one you live in a Matrix of your own creation by accepting the social norms incepted into your brain by the government/authority (MCP from tron) you are living with your binders on. DO NOT accept anything the government tells you. Do not accept their propaganda and lies (big brother/1984).

Especially about bath salts. 100% safe high made illegal by corporations and big bath salt lobby (bed bath and k-street).

Demagogued as "poisonous" and "dangerous" these powerful therapeutic salts are made from 100% NATURAL chemicals. Originally designed for your skin these were discovered by Hooper (maybe he read on net) as something you can grind up into dust and smoke or dissolve and inject and they will get you very relaxed and have religious experiences DO NOT make you kill goats, break into churches and stab people, or burn anything down.

LIE #1: Bath salts will turn you into a dangerous person. You might fucking karate chop a baby's heart. You might bite off your dog's ear. You might drive a car through a school.


FACT: People who do these things would have done these things anyway. BATH SALTS ARE NOT TO BLAME. I cannot stress this enough. Tooting a line of the salt (getting epsomed) has nothing to do with being violent. It just enhances your mood and your reality. Like my buddy Hooper says about it "if you are pre-fucked you will BE fucked."


LIE #2: If you've got a baby crawling around and it eats a bath salt it will die.

FACT: You could snort like three packs of bath salt in one afternoon. We bought a frigging ton of Chinese Apricot Soak off a hot tip about bath and body works website (listed wrong 2.99 instead of 12.99 KACHING) we got off Bath Salt Boards. Fucking big Danny D tooted like eighteen bars of it. That's about three whole baggies.

Worst that happened he said was for like a week his tears were orange and he cried constantly, but he fucking said he watched ghost busters 3 staring at a curtain in my spare bedroom. So a baby worst case scenario eats a pack it is going to get crazy fucked up and see a sweet azz movie like on its crib or something. Baby could maybe choke on a bath salt but babies are dumb as hell they will choke on a bean or something. You can't hold a bath salt for that. Yall need to keep a handle on your babies anyway.

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.