The current iteration of Batman comes to an end in this summer's Dark Knight Rises. Since Christopher Nolan's films have made such a large impact with their unique style, it would make sense for there to be a bit of a cooling off period before the franchise went through yet another reboot.
There is, however, too much money to be made. Ideas for the new Batman are already being pitched, new directors are being sought out, and new actors are being cast.
As always, I humbly offer my services as a writer to the internet at large, as I don't know how to contact the appropriate people or retain an agent. These are my best ideas for the next Batman film.
Two-Face Face-Off Face Race: Trading Faces
or Face 2 Face: Rad Race With A Bad Face
or Two-Face Vs. Scarecrow: Face Your Fears 4 Fast Face Tears
or Face Face (it means Two-Face, think about it)
or What's My Face Doing On Your Body And What's My Other Face Doing On His Body?
or Dark Batman
The idea is simple. Combine the Batman characters we all know and love with the classic madcap hilarity of an identity-switching movie, then put everyone in a high octane high stakes cross country race.
Two-Face discovers that one half of his face has magically been swapped with Bruce Wayne, the other half of his face has been swapped with Batman, and his favorite burlap sack has been swapped with Scarecrow's mask. Now all four of them must compete in a race for ten thousand dollars while evading the humorously incompetent sheriffs headed by Commissioner Gordon.
Directed by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor (Crank, Crank 2, Ghost Rider 2), and starring Patton Oswalt as Two-Face, Nick Nolte as Batman, Matt Damon as Bruce Wayne, Mike Patton as Scarecrow, and Patrick Stewart as Commissioner Gordon.
First, the tagline: Every hero has a beginning. Every bat has his day.
Bruce Wayne is a freshman in high school. Still coping with his parents' deaths, he has a difficult time fitting in, what with all the well established cliques. Although he has the support of his butler Alfred (always standing at attention just behind and to the side of Bruce's desk and in the hallway) the young man feels an emptiness in his life.
When a series of mysterious locker break-ins occur during the run-up to the student body election, Bruce decides to take action. He adopts the bat as his symbol and prowls the shadowy corridors of the high school at night in search of justice.
No crime will go unpunished. No innocent will be victimized. No running in the hallways.
Directed by Rian Johnson (Brick) and starring Jesse Eisenberg as Young Batman, Chris O'Dowd as Alfred, and Henry Rollins as Principal Bane.
Batman And Catwoman: Will They Or Won't They?
Catwoman is attractive and seductive, but Batman is stoic. She's a criminal with occasional moments of heroism, he's uncompromising and distrustful.
Over the course of 90 minutes, the two will flirt with one another after beating up criminals, come close to kissing one another fighting one another on rooftops, and will breathe heavily.
Directed by Steven Soderbergh and starring Ryan Gosling as Batman, with Emma Stone as Catwoman.
Happy Bat 3D
A hunter (who happens to own a pollution-spewing conglomerate that's destroying the environment) shot and killed Bruce the bat's parents. Though he's sad, the plucky little bat is determined to put on the musical of the century and bring down the evil company - all in one night!
Directed by Simon Wells (Mars Needs Moms) and starring George Lopez as Bruce, will.i.am as Ears, and John Goodman as The Hunter.
Two-Face Face-Off Face Race: Trading Faces 2: Space Face Race
or Space To Face: Two-Face Trading Faces In Space
or In Space, No One Can Hear Your Face
or Batman Reckoning: Reborn
The sequel to Two-Face Face-Off Face Race: Trading Faces, set in outer space.
What if you were a cop and the Skittle was mentally disturbed and wanted to be eaten?
DOPPELGANGER NEEDED - To minimize stress to my dog, I'm looking for somebody who is identical to me to take over ownership. Must also be able to fool my wife. Call to set up interview. 555-8252
I'll never forgive these giant alien insects! I'm trying!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.