This is Kerotchi and he needs your help. Left beside a cassette of OMC's hit single "How Bizarre", he waited for a neglectful owner to never return. For 15 years, Kerotchi was forgotten without [FEED] and forced to [PLAY] where he [TOILET].
These Tamagotchi need your help. For the price of a Heath Bar Blizzard with extra malt, you can help ensure the care of a suffering virtual pet. Perhaps you owned one and let it disappear from your life. This is your chance for forgiveness. Your donations help rehabilitate these abandoned creatures, letting them [GROW] for the first time in their lives. Tax deductible.
And here is Rocotchi, found in a bin of troll dolls at a flea market, her screen so faded, one can barely make out the suffering on her little pixel face. A pet hamster gnawed the buttons off, leaving Rocotchi unable to [SLEEP] or [FEED]. Alone in this world, she never once had a chance to feel [HAPPY METER].
Our full-time staff of sixth-graders tirelessly press Button (A), Button (B), and Button (C). With well over eleven Tamagotchi under our care, our resources and abilities are already strained. Without your donation, these innocent angels might not have a chance to [PLAY] tomorrow.
SeaQuest was still on primetime the last time Glatotchi was touched. Left to bob up and down in his 512 pixel cage until his battery drains, he remembers the good times, when JTT posters covered the walls, when Mighty Mighty Bosstones filled the air. But now Glatotchi waits, hoping that at any moment someone will need to press and hold Button (A) and Button (C) until a new egg appears.
Your compassion is needed more than ever. Every day Tamagotchi are abandoned, thrown out with the Spice Girl themed backpacks they're clipped to. With a staff of my niece and step-son, we can only do so much. Tamagotchi are not only a choking hazard for children under three, but also a chance for you to do something great.
And there are many, many more that need our help. Miolotchi, Pirotchi, etc, etc, the list goes on. Once loved, all abandoned, each desperate for your help. Like the VHS release of Titanic, Tamagotchi were once cherished by millions. But where are they now? If you don't help, who will?
Stutotchi was exposed to water. His screen dead, we assume he's still alive. Everyday we press the buttons, hoping, praying, that he receives our [CLEAN]. For once in his life, Stutotchi is treated more like a retired Beanie Baby and less like a McDonald's Happy Meal Beanie Baby.
Please, end the suffering. Help a virtual pet. Money orders, cash, check, or mass donations of pogs are accepted.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.