I call my bone-raising collection "work documents" and it is located exclusively on the desktop of what is technically my work computer. I have been assembling this collection off and on for the better part of a decade, using my discerning skills as a curator to select only the finest 4.5 terabytes of media.
Getting to the collection is part of the journey. Nested within the folder "work documents" is another folder called "spreadsheets" and within that, coded in the opaque lingo of business, another folder called "q3_2010." But, my friends, these are only tests. The intrepid and the curious will continue past these folders, expecting to find something more captivating than spreadsheets. Something that is over 4,000 gigabytes in size.
I have carefully curated only the biggest wieners jabbing into holes. I have hand-selected and archived footage of peeing with the most intense HD presentation. There are flopping boobs, sex hollering, and hardcore doing it. There are celebrities and people pretending to be celebrities. There are wobbly red things falling out of butts and mascara smeared over gagging faces. There are a lot of gross things that make me feel bad about myself. And that's good, because compelling art should affect you. That's how vital this collection is.
At first I wanted to save all of the disgusting slime piles and slithery gross people covered in sweat for myself. Then I thought, "Why not make animated GIFs out of this stuff and post it on tumblr?" Some people might understand the gravity of greasy butts bouncing around and dope units popping huge boners.
Then I thought that sharing on the Internet is great, but I have put so much effort into curating this collection it really deserves its own show. I presented interactive monitors for viewing the cream of the crop, including Cream of the Crop, and allowed art fans to watch. But that was more about presenting the existing material.
Ultimately, I knew we could take things a step further. A live performance. I am very proud to present work documents live at MoMA. If you would like to see me jack myself raw to a video clip of a woman covered in baked beans I will be at the Museum of Modern Art in Midtown Manhattan in the room next to the funny cat pictures exhibit and the failmeme tunnel.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.