While our resident lawyer Mr. "Mr." Leonard "J." "Leonard J. Crabs" Crabs has been lying somewhat low recently, spending most of his free time constructing an interplanetary rocket ship from various wooden planks he discovered in an abandoned barn, he has not been entirely inactive. I would like to detail one of Leonard's more successful cases this year, a legal battle chock full of mystery, intrigue, excitement, and something which Leonard refers to as "quid pro quo" despite the fact that we all know he's talking about the Big Roast Beef combo meal at Hardee's. This lawsuit comes courtesy of a website named "Century-Child.com" which was profiled as an Awful Link of the Day on February 26th. Strap on your legal moon boots because here comes a heapin' helpin' of legal love!

From:Tina
To:
[email protected]
Sent:
Wednesday, February 26, 2003 3:14 PM
Subject:
century-child.com link and article

Take any picture you did get from this website down imediately ! That website is copyright ! Also take down that article right away. Your site was already reported so you better get this article down as soon as possible. Your action is agains the law.l [email protected]

I don't think I can accurately convey the sheer sense of shock and awe which coursed through my veins like terror pudding upon reading this email, mostly because I was unable to determine exactly what language Tina was attempting to communicate through. Like any god-fearing, red-blooded American citizen, I am well aware of the fact that linking to somebody's website on the Internet is highly illegal and can result in hundreds, possibly thousands of years behind prison bars. Remember when convicted arsonist Nelson Mandela was thrown into a Utah jail for linking to Wal-Mart from his Livejournal site, "Tears of a Clown?" I sure do, and life lessons like these cause me to constantly watch where I tread online, particularly after my website has been "reported" by a heavy metal Sasquatch creature. I'm not exactly sure what organization Tina reported this Something Awful to, but if I had a guess I'd imagine it was some ultra-important group like the Universal Brotherhood of Sacred Internet Justice which is a secret front for the folks in Area 51. I sent a follow-up email to discover what laws we were breaking by making Tina's horrendous website the Awful Link of the Day and helpfully pointing out the fact that her facial features resemble a popular series of pizza toppings.

From:Webmaster (Something Awful)
To:
Tina
Sent:
Wednesday, February 26, 2003 3:47 PM
Subject:
Re: century-child.com link and article

Greetings, This email is in response to your email entitled

"Re: century-child.com link and article" which read as the following: "Take any picture you did get from this website down imediately ! I drink horse semen! That website is copyright ! Me know how to good use English language on Internet! Also take down that article right away. Touch me here! Your site was already reported so you better get this article down as soon as possible. Where's Bozo? Your action is agains the law.l Pop a wheelie!"

We are replying in order to ask you to clarify exactly your intentions in this email and how we may serve you to a satisfactory degree, preferably without having to exert any physical effort whatsoever. Please reply and we will do our best to ensure your Internet (Internet) well-being. Please communicate to us your request by using a device entitled "electronic mail" so we may "print out" your message and read it "on the toilet."

Thank you and greetings,

[email protected]

This seems like a reasonable reply to me. Of course I had no idea what I was getting myself into, as the nefarious, snakelike Tina was ready to lash back at us with legal threats beyond our wildest nightmares. Also she began randomly referring to herself as "we" and in third person throughout the next email, which began to worry me and elicit fears that she could possibly be a multiheaded, hydra-like creature. That's a fear we all have to live with in this day and age of fax machines, hula hoops, and inflatable clowns.

From:Tina
To:
Webmaster (Something Awful)
Sent:
Wednesday, February 26, 2003 4:02 PM
Subject:
Re: century-child.com link and article

We want you to imediately to remove the article and the picture of the website URL http://www.century-child.com You are violating the rights of the person on this site and of the webmaster. The website is copyright and you are not allowed to take any pictures from there without autorization, it is copyright infringement and invasion of privacy. If you do not delete the articale imediately we will claim for defamation of character and harassment. So take this article down right away with a statement of appology. [email protected]

Oh no! We were violating rights and invading privacy in addition to defaming characters and harassing something without "autorization!" Tina demanded I not only retract the entire article but additionally retract a "statement of appology," so I guess she wanted me to write something and then immediately delete it. I think "appology" means "the study of apples." At that point I knew I had to bring out Leonard and the legal big guns or else I'd never escape this harsh and threatening lawsuit alive. Feets don't fail me now!

From:Webmaster (Something Awful)
To:
Tina
Sent:
Wednesday, February 26, 2003 4:35 PM
Subject:
Re: century-child.com link and article

Greetings, Sorry for the legal infractions our website, www.somethingawefull.com has caused you and your "website." As the site's LLC of Internal Affairs, I must admit that I do not directly control the content nor behavior of the person(s) who write for the site. I am simply the business manager, the person who books their concert dates and Yoga training courses and whatnot. Greetings. Your requests would be best answered by our website's lawyer and legal representative, Leonard J. Crabs, who is available at the following Internet webmail online e-address cyberspace dot com dot org:

[email protected]

Please send him a copy of your requests and I will make sure he responds to them promptly and in an inefficient manner, greetings. We take pride in the work of our website, and the notion that Something Awful LLC Inc CORP would be responsible for illegal crimes such as "invasion of privacy" simply tarnishes our reputation as an award-winning content distribution and in-flight refueling service. Again, please direct your email to our lawyer and he will be sure to address your demands ASAP.

Greetings,

[email protected]

This did not seem to appease the almighty Tina as she then proceeded to contact her HIGHLY NON-FICTIONAL lawyer WHO ACTUALLY EXISTS AND IS REAL AND WE SHOULD ALL BELIEVE THAT HE'S A MAGICAL, GOD-LIKE ENTITY who I assume took time out of his busy schedule of defending famous mafia bosses and attending fanciful banquets with powerful CEOs and prime ministers. Tina fought back with the following deadly barrage of electronic mayhem:

From:Tina
To:
[email protected]
Sent:
Thursday, February 27, 2003 6:32 AM
Subject:
century-child.com link

After consulting with an attorney, I have been advised that your posting of my picture and artwork without my express permission is an infringement of my copyright to those items. Also, the following wording " I think somebody forgot to shave. Good god woman, go back to the circus!" and "This site is some crazy heavy metal obsessed lady's terrible online sanctuary..." are complete untrue statements which insinuate

1) that I have facial hair (which I do not), and
2) that I am mentally unstable (which I am not)

and, therefore, can be considered defamation. I am requesting that you remove the article and pictures immediately. Freedom of speech only goes so far, and you definitely crossed the line. Greetings,

Greetings Tina! Greetings! Greetings crossed line of freedom of speech! Greetings! I want all you readers to know that I will vehemently fight to my death claiming that Tina has facial hair and there's no court in the world which will force me to believe otherwise. Secondly, I'd also like to suggest that Tina's hideous facial features suggest she has suffered from a series of first-degree burns sometime in her past, possibly during a house fire which left her mentally unstable. If this is defamation, I don't ever wanna be famed! Please note that I colored the previous email brown as opposed to the standard pink, to detonate Tina's copious amounts of facial hair. Greetings!

From:Leonard "J." Crabs
To:
Tina
Sent:
Thursday, February 27, 2003 3:20 PM
Subject:
Re: century-child.com link

Dear Tina (whom I shall hereby refer to as "the Plaintiff"),

It has come to my attention that you are unhappy with the quality of slander and character defamation you were provided by from the website I represent, Somethings Awful. I have represented these chipper lads ever since I met them in the summer of 1987 on the beaches of the Florida Everglades, sharing some hearty tea and a warm cup of laughter. While they may get out of hand at times, these boys have nothing but love in their aortas for what they do and they do do it as well as they can do it; run their website like a fine tuned robotic machine which runs a website.

Your complaints of "copyright infringement" and "character defamation" strike me as particularly harsh, as these boys have told me in confidentiality that they "really love" your website and have it "bookmarked" on their "computers." Any comments they made towards you which could possibly be inferred as anything negative were purely incidental, and they assure me they would do nothing to tarnish you or your web presence, which they honestly appear to respect and possibly fear. I cannot explore the angle of "character defamation" without first seeing a series of your photographs which would prove you do not, in fact, have a beard of some sort. While the boys at Something Awful may get a hearty chuckle out of women with facial hair, I must admit that I find no humor in it and, in fact, sometimes find myself entranced upon this aspect of females. I would like to see any photos you could provide me of your face, as close-up as possible, so I may study them in my "legal room" and inspect them for facial hair of any kind, repeatedly, possibly for hours. This should demonstrate my willingness to resolve this issue in a very fast and efficient manner. Can you please sell me a pair of your worn socks on eBay so I may add it to my "legal lawyerin' folder?"

Additionally, I will need proof that you did not work at the circus for *any* period of time. Please include a copy of your resume, complete with phone number and address, so I may verify this. If you like, we could meet and you could turn over the documents in person. If this might seem uncomfortable to you, I could bring my wooden legal assistance once he becomes "a real boy" again. Please note that "Freedom of Speech" is not free and we all must pay sooner or later, and in your case sooner could possibly be later unless we're talking about the later events that took place. Your mental stability has been proven to me by your eloquent requests and saucy legal demands, in addition to all your inspiring talk about facial hair and ability to resemble a Wookie who caught a flamethrower blast in the face.

My client has additionally informed me that you "reported his IP address and website link," which disturbs me greatly, as you are in potential breech of the Freedom of Information act as a potentially unwilling participant of potentially confidential information via a third party generated system (defined as: "the Internet"). As it stands, I do not see why we cannot settle these claims out of court. There is an excellent place where I solve many out-of-the court disputes in my area, they serve an excellent cup of hard liquor if you're interested in that type of thing, which I most certainly am not, as I never mix business with pleasure under any circumstances. There are also many ladies who dance there and willingly accept monetary funds if you attempt to place them into their panties while shouting, "woo doggie!"

Sincerely yours,

Leonard J. Crabs
MCA of VPA, CEO of RSVP

Unfortunately the legal battle appears to end there, as "Tina" was never heard from again. I can only assume that the legal wagon of Leonard "J." Crabs and his rodeo of lawyerin' destruction scared poor hairy Tina into submission, where she is now braiding her moustache in unbridled terror. Although Mr. Crabs has been relatively quiet on the legal front, make no mistake: he's still working the big wheels behind the SA lawsuit scene!

You must whip it!

Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams here, touched beyond compare. All of the donations for the armor plates really go to show what kind of person reads Something Awful. You guys and gals are amazing. I know that if I was called over to Iraq, I'd be ecstatic to have any and all armor between me and the bad guys.

Sort of taking a page from FARK's book, the Goons have paid Weekly World News some attention. Why would we ever consider wasting our time on such silly trash? To lampoon them of course! Which is actually really hard to do when you think about it. I mean, these people came up with Batboy. A boy who is half human, half bat. Even tongue in check, it's horrible.Step on a crack, hook your mother on smack.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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