Patience my friends, patience.
When I grow up I want to be the President of the United States of America. Under my firm but caring hand I can see this country flourishing into a beautiful flower. A flower made of rock and dirt and people and taxes. "But Moof!" I can hear you shouting at your monitor "You have no political experience, you have no real interest in politics, you are not a citizen of this country, and emotionally and physically you are the equivalent of the Exxon-Valdez disaster!"
If you would please stop shouting, let me give you my answer to all of those problems. The answer, my friends, is guns. But let me stop right there because my fanatical delusions are likely to have upset the government's "Norton Anti-Terrorist" software that scours the Internet for potential non-patriots from a secret underground base that I suspect is on the moon. Instead of continuing along this thought-train surely headed for violent derailment at Guantanamo Bay, let me educate you. Let me tell you a story about a group of other people who also have delusions of presidency. These people are called Democrats and are competing to lose against George W Bush in the 2004 presidential election.
Until recently I did not know a lot about politics, other than the brief glimpses I caught of C-SPAN while trying to find the channel that has the hilarious Spanish show with the guy who is also a dog and the ladies who take off their shirts sometimes for no apparent reason. I had to educate myself. To fully understand the many complex and mind-numbingly boring election process I conducted months of in-depth research into the presidential candidates and the electoral system. This mostly involved drunkenly shouting at my television and throwing bricks and cats at the garbage men, but I feel I achieved my goal. Exclusively on Something Awful, I present my findings.
The Republican Candidates
This elephant is happy because he is full of milk.
The Republican Party's logo is an elephant, and every registered republican must keep at least one elephant at home and milk it regularly. The elephant milk is sold to third world nations for an enormous profit which is used to buy hookers and cigars.
George "Wookie" Bush
George W Bush became president in 2000 after a successful military coup against his predecessor, Bill Clinton. Clinton was caught unaware as Bush parachuted onto the white house lawn after mistaking it for his wife. Not one to miss a good opportunity, George W Bush stabbed Clinton in the eye with a crayon. He has been in office ever since.
- Played a mouse at chess and won.
- Can ride a bicycle (with training wheels).
- Once colored in a whole picture of a goat without going out of the lines even once.
- Occasionally catches butterflies in a net.
- Eats grass like a cow.
- Once flew a plane into a building.
Some Other Guys
No one knows or cares who the other republican candidates are. I suspect they have names like "Douglas McBorton" and "Nobby Treecobbler."
The Democratic Candidates
Democrats like taxing people and buying marijuana with the money. There are many democratic candidates, but I will focus on six of the most prominent ones.
John "LadyKiller" KerryOh, John!
John Kerry is known as "LadyKiller" not because he likes to kill ladies, that would not be good form for a future president, but because he is a hunk of burning love. Well educated and in great physical shape, John woos the ladies by showing off his incredible plumage of tail feathers similar to that of a peacock while singing enchanting Arabic love songs. Not many can resist the combination of his dazzling array of colors and beautiful Streisand-esque voice, let me tell you!
- Speaks twelve dialects of Cornish.
- Has a hook for a hand.
- Smells delicious.
- Occasionally steals from elderly cancerous women for sport.
- Attempted to take control the entire world with an army of giant bee-aliens.
Wesley "Not a Vampire" ClarkWhat lovely sunglasses.
Wesley Clark is the most decorated soldier in all of US history. He liberated the entire continent of Africa with only a spork and a pelican sidekick. He is most certainly not a vampire, which is a ridiculously preposterous claim.
- Invented wood.
- Discovered Canada.
- Single-handedly saved the world from an army of giant alien bees.
- Is not a vampire.
- Once invaded Poland by mistake.
Dennis "Allahu Akbar" KucinichDeath to America. Death to Israel. Allah is great.
If elected Dennis Kucinich pledges to reduce the average household's total taxes by twenty percent, and to reduce America's population of infidels by two hundred million. A little more controversial than most other candidates, Dennis enjoys picnicking in the country, the opera, and participating in holy jihad against the Zionist conspiritors.
- Burned seven American flags in an hour.
- Invented a great recipe for carrot cake.
- May kill you and your family if he becomes president.
Joe "Hobo" LiebermanThat's just not kosher.
Joe Lieberman has been homeless since he was abandoned by his parents in 1882 at age three. For the last one hundred and thirty-one years he has lived atop the Washington monument, except for two weeks in the winter of 1952 when he fell off and broke his two legs and an arm. Ever since that terrible incident he has stayed permanently attached to the top of the monument with a bungee cord.
- Slept for the entirety of the Great Depression and both World Wars.
- Threw pigeons at hippies during the Seventies.
- Has no political experience of education.
- Has no experience of education in anything except sleeping and catching birds to eat.
Al "Oh Dear God This Man is Insane" SharptonYes Al that is a lovely bow.
There is not a lot that can be said about Al Sharpton. Just look at him.
- Has never killed a goose in his entire life.
- Sometimes forms complete sentences that are not entirely nonsense.
- Everything he touches turns to cornbread.
- He is insane like a crazy donkey with a missing leg.
Howard "Robot Spider" DeanHoward Dean is angry because he is a robot spider.
Currently the front runner of all the democratic candidates, Mr. Dean was engineered by the Soviet government in 1962 as a robot spy. However, the Soviet's plan backfired. One week into living in America and collecting top government secrets, Howard Dean fell in love with capitalism and opened his own novelty snooker supply store. Six months and twelve million dollars in profits later, he was the richest Soviet robot spider in all of Washington DC.
- Won the pole vault competition at the 1988 Olympics in Seoul.
- Was the first robot spider to eat a happy meal.
- Is a robot.
- Is a spider.
- Is a robot spider.
I hope this helps. I cannot vote myself because I am a dirty immigrant here to steal America's riches and women, but hopefully you have learned a little about politics, a little about life, and maybe even a little about love. I learned a lot myself by writing this article, and it brought me just one small step closer to achieving my goal. Now if you will excuse me, I have to see a man about a bazooka.
Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic follow up to "Baby Got Back" has serious unintended consequences.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
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