To those that are lonely, dejected, retired with too much time on your hands, hear me and obey. Your life shall have meaning, shall have goals. It is not within the realm of action or vocation, talent or practice. No. It is within junk mail and newspaper stuffings. You shall sacrifice your ego to Couponing, and Couponing shall consume
your time, your life, your very earthly being. Though you need not the discount, need not the free one if you buy four at full price, you shall spend your hours cutting, cutting, cutting. Soon, if you obey, your pantry will be stocked, your life meaningful, and your walls lined with cereals you do not care for. The answer: Couponing. The solution: Couponing. With every nickel you save off the price of Sunny Delight, you too are saving yourself. So, dear one, put down the remote and funnel your mid-life crisis fears and hobbies through these commandments.

Stop not at one cart. Nor two. But once the Coupons stopYou shall have no other sauce before discounted Mike's Hot Sauce.

Thy binders organized first; thy personal life secondForever will you purchase tampons without need or want or justificationYou shall not bear the burden of self-awareness while at the registerNeither shall you pass a deal on risottoNeither shall you covet your neighbor's garage of hoarded DoritosIf you grip one cereal box, grip twenty-three more

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

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