To those that are lonely, dejected, retired with too much time on your hands, hear me and obey. Your life shall have meaning, shall have goals. It is not within the realm of action or vocation, talent or practice. No. It is within junk mail and newspaper stuffings. You shall sacrifice your ego to Couponing, and Couponing shall consume
your time, your life, your very earthly being. Though you need not the discount, need not the free one if you buy four at full price, you shall spend your hours cutting, cutting, cutting. Soon, if you obey, your pantry will be stocked, your life meaningful, and your walls lined with cereals you do not care for. The answer: Couponing. The solution: Couponing. With every nickel you save off the price of Sunny Delight, you too are saving yourself. So, dear one, put down the remote and funnel your mid-life crisis fears and hobbies through these commandments.
Thy binders organized first; thy personal life secondForever will you purchase tampons without need or want or justificationYou shall not bear the burden of self-awareness while at the registerNeither shall you pass a deal on risottoNeither shall you covet your neighbor's garage of hoarded DoritosIf you grip one cereal box, grip twenty-three more
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
The singer dove off the stage and crowd surfed in a sort of reverse funeral procession where the person being carried is the only one truly alive. Touching him I felt religious ecstasy and started speaking in tongues and requesting songs that didn't exist.
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