Find a bird. Dress up like a worm. When the bird eats you, stay very still. Don't laugh or you will completely ruin this. After the bird has digested you, its stomach will not feel the way it normally does after eating a worm.
Find a bird. Plant your easel down on a level patch of grass. Get comfortable on your stool. Unpack your brushes and prepare your paints. Start painting the bird. Lean around the frame to carefully study its form, the curve of its wing and the swirling kaleidoscope of colors in its eyes. Nod to yourself then work the brush in an inspired frenzy. When you finish hours later, make a remark about how perfect the painting turned out. Pick up the frame and begin to turn it toward the bird so that it may finally have a look. At the last moment, throw the painting face down on the ground and stomp on it. Light it on fire.
I'm going to need 10,000 whoopee cushions.Find a bird. Adopt a worried expression and approach the bird, stating that you have lost track of time and desperately need to know if you're late for an important meeting that your career hinges upon. Mention your sick wife and the three small children who depend on you. Ask the bird what time it is. The bird will not have a watch. Walk away devastated, leaving the bird to feel responsible for your fate.
Find a bird. Gain its trust by telling it exactly what it wants to hear and altering your personality. Casually mention to this bird that you have knowledge of a tech stock that is about to double its value. When the bird asks how it can invest, refuse, saying that the bonds of friendship mean too much to get mixed up with business. This will intrigue the bird. After it insists, reluctantly agree. Tell the bird to meet you at a secluded industrial pier. When the bird shows up, tell it to keep its distance. Instruct it to place the briefcase on the ground, then to slowly open the briefcase and show you the birdseed inside. When the bird complies, give the hand signal to your sniper.
Find a bird. Ask it to thoroughly explain the recent US government shutdown, from the basic mechanics of the process to the motivations and strategies of all parties involved, followed by the bird's take on the entire situation. Listen respectfully. When the bird is done, shrug apologetically and pretend that you didn't understand its language.
Find a bird. Wait for it to have a child bird. Without giving yourself away, subtly influence the direction of the child bird's life. If you play your cards right the young bird will one day enroll in the college of your choice. Follow the college bird without being seen. Use costumes. Blend into the crowd, never letting the bird out of your sight. One night when the bird goes to sleep in its dorm room, put your plan into motion. Spray a glob of shaving cream on the tip of one of the bird's wings. Use one of the bird's feathers to tickle its beak. Watch the hilarity ensue.
Find a bird. When it takes off, lower a banana peel directly in its flight path.
Find a bird. Wait until it falls asleep. Place a lottery ticket with that week's winning numbers in its nest. Go to a nearby vantage point and check out the expression on that bird's face when it wakes up. Follow the bird to a nearby convenience store. Have a taxi waiting in case the bird decides to take a cab instead of walking. Pretend to shop while you eavesdrop over the conversation that is about to take place. Try not to laugh as the bird hands the ticket over to the clerk, expecting millions of dollars, only for the clerk to reply that the ticket is a fake. Check out the expression on that bird's face. Step in and explain that this was all an elaborate ruse on your part. Reveal that the clerk was in on it. The winning ticket is actually real. Congratulations, bird.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.