Greetings and salutations, my electronic friends! It’s been a long time. I see you are getting a bit thick around the breadbasket and finally bought that limited edition Highlander (the series) broadsword. Good for you.
Please don’t take my recent absence as an affront to our friendship. I am doing some very important work for our government (frowning at arabs) to help secure our freedom and win the war on terror. I had to make some sacrifices, namely writing for you and your ilk.
Today I am stepping in for the esteemed Johnny Titanium who is taking a retreat in Brussels getting mineral water enemas and being fed skinned grapes by small African children. He has changed a lot since snagging this high profile writing job, and has taken to going on skiing trips with Danny Gans and flying helicopters around active volcanoes. I never liked to flaunt my elite status, staying close to my roots: stoned college kids who will skim over this article and forget about it as soon as the Steak ‘Ums are done.
My update today is part confession, part public service, with a dash of nutmeg for that seasonal flavor. Like many of my dirty secrets and embarrassing dance moves, I will keep things hidden deep inside for years and then suddenly expose them in an update for thousand of strangers to ridicule. This update is no different, as another skeleton has shamefully marched out of my closet and into the glaring spotlight.
For many years now I have been abusing black tar heroin and falling asleep in the bathtub, but that is not what we will talk about today. The sordid scandal to be confessed is that I am a huge daytime TV fan and a rabid soap opera junkie. Since my youth I have been afflicted with a terrible ailment known as Red Hair Syndrom or RHS, otherwise known as the Irish Blight. This unfortunate condition kept me indoors during my formative years, hidden from the angry red sun scorching the earth’s crust.
Thus I watched television as my peers built physical and social skills that would prove to become vital to success as an adult. Meanwhile I built up the remote-control thumb strength that would prove to become vital for thumb wrestling, taking me to 5 consecutive WTW (World Thumb Wrestling) title bouts -- until my thumb was injured at freak pig roast accident, but that is a whole other update.
It started with the cheesy Sci-Fi shows. A few innocent Lost in Space episodes where Dr. Smith sells Will and the Robot to Bavarian Alien race for a chocolate bar. Then to Voyage of the Bottom of the Sea where the crew runs back and forth onset simulating a Kraken attack. Then and a handful of Land of the Giants, a place where kitty doesn’t seem so cute anymore. Then came the court shows. That sweet grandfatherly Judge Wapner dealing out justice with a cruel but fair wrinkled hand. After watching the People’s Court I thought the American justice system was orderly and efficient where lawyers let witnesses tell their full story in the form of a narrative, allowing the truth to unfold within a tidy half hour.
The real trouble began months later when my thumb strayed from the well traversed path to the undiscovered realm of daytime television: the network soaps that no healthy heterosexual male was meant to watch. I will fully admit to you, my friendly and slightly chubby Internet confidantes, that at first I despised these shows and only watched them for mockery and jest. Then something strange and magical happened, and I started to get hooked. Once I became familiar with the storylines and characters, I was swept away by these soaps that made my heart soar and libido roar. Affairs, intrigue, murder, rare diseases, incest, vampires... the soaps had it all!
Before I discovered the whimsical world of soap operas, I could only get this kind of rush from riding the mechanical bull at Diamondback Saloon, or sniffing wood glue in my father’s shed. Now it was there waiting for me every weekday from noon to 3:00, free of charge. Once school season began, I jumped out of my Mom’s van so I could stay home with a pair of broken legs and take Days of Our Lives 101, and How To French Kiss Like A Carp 362. I was so hooked that I needed to know what was going on in the latest storylines or I would break out in a cold sweat and chew on cardboard boxes. Would Anthony murder Jacob? What would become of Dudley who was raised by mussels and was caught kissing Dr. Honeytits in the morgue?
That is why I have developed a service to help people like me: giving you the latest scoop on all the major plotlines without having to take time out of your busy day. No need to thank me, this is just one veteran helping out another in a war that nobody can truly understand unless they have been through it. Keep on truckin’brah.
The Bold and the Beautiful
Luke falls off his schooner “Bold Desires” and gets amnesia for the 5th time this year. Gloria uses his ailment to her full advantage, getting him to believe he is the crown prince of Prussia. Dante puts an end to the ruse by throwing Luke off a bridge, reversing his amnesia but causing the side effect of Luke thinking he’s a seahorse.
Roman discovers he has a foot odor problem, and that his peers and wife call him “Swamp foot” behind his back. With the elections and fall sockhop coming up, he is determined to solve this puzzling foot problem at any cost. It ended up costing $2.59 for some Dr. Scholls Odor Eaters.
- AIDS has finally made its presence known in the community, causing promiscuous sex and tomfoolery to all but vanish. Most of the people now spend their time cleaning their house and taking online college courses.
Joshua gets a case of worms from a bad corndog and must hide them from the prying eyes of the hospital staff at all costs. Soon he bonds with the worms and cannot bear to take his worm killing medicine. In an ironic twist they save his life, stopping an assassin's bullet that would’ve left him paralyzed.
Frankie hatches a plot to poison her rival, Simone, but it is thwarted by the ghost of Marion who was killed by Frankie with a hot air balloon 2 seasons ago. Frankie tries to run away from the ghost and falls off a misty pier where she drowns and then gets shot by the police.
- Little Daniel is diagnosed with a rare blood disease that turns him into a bloodthirsty werewolf when the moon is ripe. Can the brave doctors save his life and survive the night while not mussing their hair?
As the World Turns
Victor has a crush on Gale, but her husband Joshua stands in the way of their forbidden passion. Little does he know that Gale is really his sister and Joshua is his true father. Joshua was conceived from a comet crashing to earth’s primordial soup 2 billion years ago but jogs everyday so he still looks young and vibrant.
Everybody knows that Bo hates ants, but nobody knew how much until the Blueberry Picnic. An ant crawled on Bo’s leg and he freaked out, spilling a jug of potato salad all over Cassandra and Biff who were making out nearby. This caused Biff to punch Bo and put him into a deep coma. I think this was just a clever way for the producers to write Bo out of the series.
Fawnette has been sleeping with Mayor McCheese, but little does she know that the mayor’s son Hamburgler has fallen for her and plans on assassinating his father with a poisonous french fry. The plan backfires and he is sent to Pickle Prison were he is stoned to death with sesame seeds.
The Young and the Restless
Debra’s cat Dr. Pookie Paws falls in love with Jonathan’s dog Samson. A pet marriage is held at the St. Joseph vineyard where everybody attends in good spirits.
Data enters the holodeck only to find himself transported to 17th century England! He rescues the fragile Wesley Crusher from Jack the Ripper’s cluches and then goes on a shopping spree for tweed hats.
- Lily has been battling her addiction to caffeine for many years, but things reach a breaking point when she is found passed out at the bottom of a stairwell surrounded by dozens of non-fat double mocha lattes. Stuart stays by her side as she struggles through withdrawals and comes out of the ordeal a survivor.
Days of Our Lives
Cass ate a whole packet of Razzels (first they’re candy and then they’re gum) causing him to vomit on Victoria’s new dress at the October Ball. Thanks to the festive colors of the Razzels she wins first place and Cass and Victoria make out on the veranda.
There is a new stranger at Harbor View, but he has a terrible secret. He’s black.
Felicia paid Bridget a visit. Bridget told Felicia she thinks her life is finally back on track. Felicia was amused by what she surmised from what Bridget said about Brooke and Ridge getting back together. Ridge told Ty that he really loves Felicia but has a crush on Bridget and doesn’t the heart to tell Brook. Ty didn’t answer because he is a sock monkey.
I don’t know if it’s just me but I’m as hot as a bear in a honey tree right now and while writing I’ve stripped down to my tube socks and headband. The great thing about computer communication is that you can go totally nude or wear outrageously weird things and the people on the other side of the computer will have no idea. Unless you foolishly tell them like I just accidentally did.
That’s all for today gang, but I’ll be seeing you around as I complete the Ohio leg of the USA world tour for Home Security: making people of Arabic origin feel uncomfortable with disapproving frowns. Stay true to your hearts and keep shooting for the stars. Feeling the burn is optional.
Tucker Carlson's idiot brother just called New York mayor Bill de Blasio's spokeswoman a "LabiaFace."
Hey, have you guys ever seen a picture of a cat before? Well, guess what. It’s your lucky day, because I’m mixing the concept of a picture of my cat with the concept of the Internet!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.