GOD BASS AMERICAPicture yourself having a big, beautiful house, three well-behaved kids, an attractive spouse, and two cars in your garage. That's the American dream. Lovely, isn't it? Now picture it all on fire because somebody (a.k.a. you) didn't pay attention when it came time to learn about firework safety. Way to go, dingus.
Today is the birthday of our glorious nation, and since guys around here are going to be playing with explosives pretty much all day long, I think it's time to review some firework safety basics, or at least the consequences of not knowing said basics. It's a well-known fact that the human brain responds best to advice when it's presented in a loosely-knit story by a cheesy rapping mascot, so that's what I've done here. It's also a printable coloring book, which means you can click each image to get a slightly bigger version if you so desire. They might come in handy for you during that boring period in-between the cheap liquor and the fireworks, or if you're babysitting a bunch of kids, or both. Enjoy, and I hope you learn something!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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