I want my bed to look like the health department is checking for bedbugs. I want to feel like it’s on an episode of Maury getting scanned for semen. I want to wait through the commercial break to find out the father.
I want it to have the LEDs of a million nerd PCs hooked up beneath my springs. I want the bed to run Battlefield at max settings with an advanced water cooling system. I want to order room service and upgrade the videocard, and own countless noobs for brunch. I want to host a queen-sized Lan party among these Mountain Dew stained sheets. I want the mattress custom built by Alienware.
I want my Tempurpedic tricked out like a 98 Honda Civic. I want decals with these sick lights, a ton of them. I want dragons and skulls and more dragons running up the headboard with Japanese writing that I can only assume says Tokyo Drift. I want to order custom lights and have my cousin botch the instillation. I want these lights to flicker whenever my muffler rattles. I want to pull this bed up to a red light and have everyone do that thing where they put their hands up to their mouth and say, “dizaaaaamn.”
I want the bed to change color based on my mood. I want it blue when I’m sleepy, purple when I’m listening to Prince, and I want it orange at private times I don’t want to talk about. I want the pillows linked to social media for strangers to Like. I want to download additional colors in the app store. I want to be up all night just looking at my glowing bed. I want to see that blue filter through my eyelids and leak into my dreams. I want to stay up all night so I can focus on dipshit accessories from a hotel trying too hard.
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
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