Helping the World... One Lie at a Time!
Since this site was founded on aiding you, the reader, in your never-ending quest to become a better person, Something Awful has once again come through in the clutch and delivered a guide which will make your life more wholesome. More complete. More... uh... something else. That's right, we've created a guide that none of you can live without; a Guide to Creating Science Fiction Films. This wonderful aid to humanity includes such helpful tips as the following:
Alien-parasite-infested humans and robots lack the ability to travel at a rate faster than a "slow, lumbering, drunken stumble." This is because they use futuristic technology which allows them to ALWAYS stay two steps behind the Olympic sprinter who's fleeing at the speed of light, no matter how slow the alien / robot walks. I'm not sure exactly how that works, but if I were to guess, I'd say it has something to do with caching your browser's cookies or something.
Despite mastering intergalactic travel and creating weapons that can turn humans into quivering blobs of mucous within milliseconds, aliens are almost always vulnerable to some ordinary, everyday object. If you're ever being chased by an alien, lead them into a grocery store and start throwing everything you can find at them. Chances are that some object, or some combination of objects, will cause them to melt and / or explode. Then you can triumphantly exclaim, "cleanup on aisle six" and grin into the camera. Even if you're not in aisle six.
Wow! And if that exciting block of quoted text just didn't make your loins wet with anticipation, I'm throwing in the following pictures of shitty science fiction films absolutely FREE OF CHARGE:
How can you resist? Hurry up and read the Guide to Creating Science Fiction Films and then submit your own for part II! Help make the world a better place... by reading a stupid article and sending email.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.