Helping the World... One Lie at a Time!
Since this site was founded on aiding you, the reader, in your never-ending quest to become a better person, Something Awful has once again come through in the clutch and delivered a guide which will make your life more wholesome. More complete. More... uh... something else. That's right, we've created a guide that none of you can live without; a Guide to Creating Science Fiction Films. This wonderful aid to humanity includes such helpful tips as the following:
Alien-parasite-infested humans and robots lack the ability to travel at a rate faster than a "slow, lumbering, drunken stumble." This is because they use futuristic technology which allows them to ALWAYS stay two steps behind the Olympic sprinter who's fleeing at the speed of light, no matter how slow the alien / robot walks. I'm not sure exactly how that works, but if I were to guess, I'd say it has something to do with caching your browser's cookies or something.
Despite mastering intergalactic travel and creating weapons that can turn humans into quivering blobs of mucous within milliseconds, aliens are almost always vulnerable to some ordinary, everyday object. If you're ever being chased by an alien, lead them into a grocery store and start throwing everything you can find at them. Chances are that some object, or some combination of objects, will cause them to melt and / or explode. Then you can triumphantly exclaim, "cleanup on aisle six" and grin into the camera. Even if you're not in aisle six.
Wow! And if that exciting block of quoted text just didn't make your loins wet with anticipation, I'm throwing in the following pictures of shitty science fiction films absolutely FREE OF CHARGE:
How can you resist? Hurry up and read the Guide to Creating Science Fiction Films and then submit your own for part II! Help make the world a better place... by reading a stupid article and sending email.
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
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