Submitted by Scott A.
Hate human contact? Hate having money? With RealTouch® by AEBN, you can spend 200 dollars plus 1 dollar a minute on a fake pussy and shitty, low budget porn! That's way more than you'd spend on an actual living, breathing prostitute and even more shameful! All of our products are guaranteed to not be vapid cunts and will not judge you for buying katanas online or trying to learn the Japanese language to impress fat girls at AnimeCon.
Hate taking the time and trouble to masturbate like a normal person? With RealTouch® by AEBN, you can now automate the jack off process. Now, not only will you be depriving yourself of the only thing that even remotely approximates exercise in your sad, pitiful live but it leaves your hands free to double fist the snack items of your choice. Pringles and Red Bull? Pork rinds and Dr. Pepper? Bacon and Zima? MOUNTAIN DEW AND MOUNTAIN DEW?! The choices are nearly infinite, much like your daily caloric intake!
Ever wondered what a car crash or bone-jarring knock out punch to the dick would feel like? We use only the finest Nintendo 64 Rumble Paks hand selected from thrift stores and pawn shops to make our piece of shit product. If you're stupid enough to buy the RealTouch®, chances are you deserve to be sterilized. We take care of this by carefully attenuating the electro-servo motors in our products to the frequency that will kill your sperm, hopefully before you manage to date rape your friend and impregnate her with a retard failbaby.
Have a micropenis? Is your tiny, pitiful member buried under layers of gunt fat? RealTouch® by AEBN has you covered. Our products are all one size fits all, whether you're hung like Ron Jeremy or GG Allin. So whether it's your roommates walking in on you masturbating to hentai or the paramedics walking in to take your bloated, Cheetos-stained corpse to the morgue, your modesty will be in tact! Remember, at AEBN your "little secret" is safe with us!
Ever dreamed of fucking a soulless, disembodied robopussy? Fuck yes, you have. They got all sorts of that shit on anime and RealTouch® by AEBN has got your ass hooked UP. Now you can finally realize your fantasy of fucking that robot assassin bitch from Ghost in the Shell. For the more discerning connoisseur, you can also pretend you're fucking a Gundam or a robotic facsimile of Goku.
Order today before you have a chance to develop some self-esteem and realize what a failure you'd be if you spent money on this!
The Shallow End of the Gene Pool
"i got me one of these last week. yeah i aint too shy to say i jerk off all people do lol. but this thing is freaking AWESOME. just lay back and let this machine do the work, it rubs, strokes and lubes itself. the best feeling is having it "spit" on you, that feeling is unbelievable. i tried other robo jacking things and they all sucked ass. this one is quiet and does more movements than anything out there. they just need a ball licking feature :P"
"i would modify half life 2 to work with this. then I would "advance the plot" with alex vance."
"And now, women are obsolete and... if I think about it...more expensive then this.
Soon over population in America, and more then likely Japan, will be under control as generations of pathetic perverts like myself will not breed offspring because Real Touch will pleasure my every fantasy and never ask for money to spend on her stupid ten pound dog that pisses all over my clothes.
Thank you, Real Touch. You are that of saints and scholars. ;__; "
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!