And now for a look at the most exciting upcoming television shows this fall:
What's on TV? This flamethrower remote control, apparently.
Sarcastic Homosexual Man and Sassy Black Woman! (Comedy) - Hollywood's two favorite stereotypes, the sarcastic homosexual man and the sassy black woman, have been combined to form one hilarious 30-minute block of wacky hijinks which were previously only possible in 70, maybe 80 different shows. Jack Sterling is an intelligent gay man who works in a cutting-edge architect's office and deals with a myriad of offbeat co-workers like the gossiping secretary, the hare-brained elderly white guy who runs the company, and the colorful rival gay man who works at the firm down the street. Jaqwuannatry Shamequela is a quick-tongued African American woman who deals with the trials and tribulations of a normal black person's life, at least according to Hollywood standards. She has to deal with racist police officers, racist next door neighbors, racist moon astronauts, and racist deep sea starfish in each episode of this hilarious and cutting-edge show which TV Guide recently called "a... TV show... which is... not... so terribly fucking bad that nobody should ever watch, even under the threat of physical violence against members of their family!" Watch in hilarious amazement as Jaqwuannatry calls a white bigot some colorful and sassy name, followed by Jack making a highly dry, acerbic comment and rolling his eyes while the laugh track plays at a million decibels and the show cuts to a commercial for constipation pills. So how did these two unique and different characters end up meeting each other? Simple: they're both incarcerated for vehicular manslaughter!
Game Show: The Game Show (Game Show) - The public's highly non-insatiable desire for primetime game shows hasn't stopped a few renegade production studios in Yekaterinburg from creating new televised contests which challenge guests to name the capitol of New York (New Jersey) under the penalty of being artificially impregnated with experimental horse semen. Game Show: The Game Show takes elements from some random popular show, combines them with elements from a completely different yet somewhat similar show, and produces something that is nothing like anything previously unlike it! Host Tony Danza, star of the smash TV show "Who's the Boss?" and the exclusive Lifetime Network original movie "I'm An Abusive Alcoholic Jerk Yet the Court Inexplicably Gave Me Custody of My Son," brings his wit and charming smile to the stage, often hitting on the female guests and trying to lick carpet cleaner off their breasts following the show. In the season premiere of Game Show: The Game Show, contestant Marilyn Hodges misidentifies Neils Bohr as "George Washington Carver" and loses the all-expenses-paid trip to her bathroom, Edgar Burke is defeated in the mini-game "What Number Is Bigger Than 12?", and Tony Danza flies into a heroin-fueled rage after his co host refuses to stick her hand down his pants. The tagline of this game show is "the only game show which gives away up to ten million dollars in cash," which is technically true because $13 is in fact less than $10,000,000.
No Broads Allowed! (Variety Show) - The popularity of male-themed shows has not slipped Hollywood's sensitive radar, who proudly bring us No Broads Allowed!, the first show where violence against women who don't show you their tits is not only acceptable, but encouraged! The testosterone really flies when hosts Bill "Cowboy" Bradley and Will "Guns" Harris invite sexy strippers to perform the newest pole dances, play practical jokes at a pornography store, and shout such cutting-edge words as "butt" and "whore" in public places! If you didn't have an intensely negative opinion of all men, this show will help you develop one within nanoseconds of turning it on, even if you're a male! Bill and Will bring on special guest hosts Rasheem Smith, a former running back for the Dallas Cowboys who was arrested in 1997 for drunk driving and stabbing his mother to death with a pie fork, and Titty McBlowjob, a platinum blonde who makes spicy sexual innuendos like "I'll let you sit on my face" and "I will engage in oral intercourse with you for the exchange of monetary units." Special "man-only" household tips are given every eight minutes, ranging from "marry a chick with a lot of money because then you won't have to work and you can kill her for a lot of insurance cashola" to "always leave the toilet seat up after you go to the bathroom and never ask for directions when driving because that's hilarious and crazy and that's what men do." The sponsors for the No Broads Allowed! show include the new Ford Hellfire SUV and All American Beer Brewery, a company which advertises by using footage of muscular men riding horses and building a wooden barn on top of a mountain in the rain.One of the more tamer episodes of "No Broads Allowed!" which, if you'll notice, features broads. Sexually explicit parts have been censored for his pleasure.
Ed's Life (Reality Show) - Ed is an average guy just like you or me (assuming you and I are Ed), which obviously makes him an absolutely wonderful subject of a reality television show. Producers have installed hundreds, perhaps thousands of cameras all over Ed's house in an attempt to invade every aspect of his personal life in exchange for $300 and a coupon for a combo meal at Wendy's. After filming Ed engaging in such exciting activities as "cleaning the toilet" and "going to the store," the show's directors decided to spice things up a bit by inviting 10 bickering teenagers to stay in his house and drink all his soda while developing intriguing emotional problems and friction deriving from the fact that Ed's home is 1200 square feet and can hold, at most, six fully grown people. If the teenagers fail to scream at each other and create soap opera-like drama every 10 minutes, then additional "factors" are introduced as a catalyst for physical violence. You won't believe the look on their faces when an angry hornet's nest is thrown into the bathroom while three of them try to sleep there, shortly before the incident when the entire house is burned down and Ed is beaten into a coma by crooked Union representatives. The season finale features Ed receiving the check for $300 and a carpet cleaning bill for $400.
Star Trek: Space Adventures In Space (Sci-Fi) - Gene Roddenberry's corpse is raped again to produce yet another undead fetus of a science fiction series which will offend hardcore Star Trek fans while simultaneously not appealing to anybody else. Certain "creative liberties" are taken by the writers of Star Trek: Space Adventures In Space which allow them to create the most exciting and action-packed tales this side of the Nebulon galaxy! For example, the Klingons are now all Germans with British accents and the Vulcans participate in a sport called "Mazeball" which is exactly like baseball except it's called "Mazeball" and has Vulcans instead of pitchers. Also, women don't wear shirts in space, producing sexy futuristic results. When Captain Cooldude and the crew of the SS Awesomeprize are threatened by a new and futuristic race of creatures named "The Moglins," who are humanoid in shape and appearance but the camera uses the blue filter whenever showing them, it's a race against time and the stakes are great - the future of the Federation! The good news: the producers of Star Trek: Space Adventures In Space have made a deal with the viewing audience that for every Neilson point they drop below 2, they'll show a main character getting naked in the Holodeck and having sex either in or with a lawn chair. The bad news: the first character to agree to this is Captain Cooldude, played by Lance Hendrickson.Studs Nixon after pulling off his funniest prank, "running naked around a bear while shooting it with a pellet gun and phoning in death threats to predominant anti-abortionist activists."
The Studs Nixon Show (Action Reality Comedy Show) - Productions like Jackass and The Tom Green Show have conclusively proved that you don't necessarily need talent, skill, or intelligence to be popular these days. All you require is a lack of dignity and an innate ability to receive injuries without dying. Studs Nixon is a hip, in-your-face teenager from Green Grove, Illinois, who is able to perform the most hilarious physical stunts and pratfalls this side of Dick Van Dyke's tombstone. Watch in amazement as his friends shoot footage of him riding a bicycle into the side of a parked UPS delivery van! Thrill as he takes a bottle of cough syrup and proceeds to drink it all while shitting on people from a tree! Laugh all your way to the bank - the blood bank - as Studs gets naked and fucks a fruit stand in front of a horrified crowd! This show has been rated "mature audiences only" by the Association of Mature Audiences Only, and has been deemed "really fucking stupid" by the Coalition of People Who Deem Things Stupid So They Will Appeal to the Current Target Demographic Which Purchases Axe Body Spray (CoPWDTSTWACTDWPAXEBS). The good news: the producers of The Studs Nixon Show have promised that for every Neilson point they drop below 2, they'll demand Studs critically injure himself in an increasingly more original and painful way. The even better news: he dies at the end of the pilot episode.
Navy SEALS: Battle For Freedom (Action Show) - More low-budget excitement from the same network that brought you "Time Ape: Legendary Travels" and "Computer Cop Versus Dinosaur Pirate," which only lasted longer than three episodes because it cost less than a six-pack of Turbo Dog to produce each show. Riding on the popularity of the American armed forces after their quasi-victory in Iraq or whatever place with all the car bombs and people who enjoy Allah, Navy SEALS: Battle For Freedom follows the adventures of an elite Navy SEAL squad that travels across the globe and stops vicious dictators from conquering exotic locations like East Timor and the Mason-Dixon Line. In the first episode, arch-villain Commander Arab's illegal oil platform is destroyed after an exciting gun battle where the Navy SEALS are shown firing Kalashnikovs for no readily available reason. This event is portrayed by showing a still image of an oil platform which has animated gif explosions superimposed over it. The Navy SEALS then fly off to safety, as shown by stock footage of a TWA cargo plane from 1985 flying over downtown Detroit. After that brief trip, the elite squad meets with the President of the United States of America, which is inferred by an image of the White House with the text "LOCATION: WHITE HOUSE" below it in that trendy LCD font which is so popular with the kids these days. He informs them that an evil terrorist, General Baron Von Monstertruck, has stole the secret code which unlocks the DNA and produces a chemical warhead that is a computer virus containing the sunken City of Lost Gold. General Christopher Freedom must lead his band of skilled soldiers into enemy territory and defeat General Baron Von Monstertruck at all costs... but freedom comes at a price, and at what cost must freedom cost? General Freedom knows: the price of justice! This show is rated "E" and also "X" for "Exxxtreme Exxxxxxxcitement."
Creepy McWeirdo's Outer Space Adventure (Children's Cartoon) - Despite being completely void of intellectual stimulation, Creepy McWeirdo's Outer Space Adventure bills itself as "a children's educational show" because it teaches children to become really odd and antisocial while teaching their parents to buy thousands of dollars worth of Creepy McWeirdo merchandise so their kid might shut the hell up for a minute and hopefully choke to death on a Creepy McWeirdo "Pot In a Playcrib Home Swing Set." Creepy McWeirdo is a 50-foot tall green circular creature who can assume any shape he wants at any time, therefore giving the lazy animators an excuse when somebody notices the glaring inconsistencies in between frames, and providing the people in marketing with a wide assortment of possible Creepy McWeirdo merchandise they can sell at Taco Bell. Creepy McWeirdo and his friends (the lazy twins from Neptune named Plugsy and Mugsy, Greymane the silliest unicorn in the galaxy, and Jogogogo from Dimension Z) embark on a series of mystical adventures which all involve them saying the name "Creepy McWeirdo" a lot so all the dumb kids watching remember it next time they go to the toy store. Although the show is drawn and animated by Canadians, every character has gigantic anime eyes and disproportionate hips because the marketing people have determined that's what sells. Creepy McWeirdo.
This was a look at the most exciting upcoming television shows this fall. We now return to the webpage already in progress.
Doom House 2000: THE MOVIE!
After failing to release an Awful Video Production in quite some time, I am proud to announce that Something Awful Inc., in association with Something Awful Inc., has released our first 15-minute long movie, "Doom House 2000!" This movie has it all: thrills, chills, Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen, Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka, a house, a cat, some carpet, and a deep and intellectual plot which is so impossibly complex that you may never fully understand it even if you use 115% of your brainpower for all eternity. Download it now!
Doom House 2000 - Like I said, download it now! Oh, and if you can't grasp the deep and meaningful symbolism behind the film or you think it sucks, that's because you're stupid and aren't able to realize how intellectual and probably sexy we are. It's in Windows Media 9 format and weighs in around 25 megs.
This is your typical consumer model throne. If you just want a cheap prop, it's fine. If you want to actually sit like a king, pony up the cash and get yourself a prosumer model. This entry level stuff is more for a duke or baron at best.
Do you wish to know what computers will be doing in the year to come? With a sigh I shall exert the minimal effort it takes to reveal all. Feel free to print out these predictions and share them with your friends via fax.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.