Yes, that is me. And yes, that is a bunch of twine. If you don't like twine, and I can really understand if you don't, then you can skip over this update and nobody will blame you. It's not that good anyway.
Hey there, I don't think I need to introduce myself, but I'm just an utterly humongous ball of twine. I'm so large in size that various "accredited" books and magazines have labeled me "The Biggest Ball of Twine in the World," and I guess I should be tickled pink over this, but I really can't find myself getting too worked up about it these days. I don't know about their claims that I'm the biggest in the entire world because I don't really get out all that much, but I'm fairly confident I'm the biggest ball of twine in at least Cawker City, Kansas, where I currently reside in all day, every day, just sitting here and being the Biggest Ball of Twine In At Least Cawker City, Kansas. One time the Johansen family who live south of here tried to create a rival ball of twine which was supposedly planned to usurp me and my glorious distinction of "being very big and made of twine," but for some unfathomable reason the family gave up on their glorious quest for fame. Perhaps they ran out of twine or maybe they realized how utterly miserable the entire concept of "big dueling twine balls" is, who knows. All I know is that I sit here at one of the busiest intersections of Cawker City, Kansas, and I haven't seen a single ball of twine even half my size pass by since 1957. I once saw a somewhat large dog, but that doesn't really count I think. I guess I should technically be really proud of such an amazing feat, but my self esteem has been dulled by years and years and years of simply sitting here and being big. And made of twine.
Now I don't want to speak ill of the nice folks here in Cawker City, Kansas who built this beautiful wooden hut / temple of twine that I sit under nonstop every single pointless day of my life. Every. Single. Day. They did a really swell job hammering the wooden boards together in such a method that if somebody were to throw a Slurpee up on the roof of my twine hut, which the high school kids tend to do EVERY WEEKEND, I probably wouldn't get too much of it all over me. That's what I call this place I'm stuck in nearly every day of my life, "The Twine Hut." I wish I could think of a better name for it, but I'm not really creative. I'm just a big ball of twine here in Cawker City, Kansas, and I don't think too many people expect much from me in the creativity department. They just want to see a huge ball of twine, and I guess I deliver what they're looking for in that regard. I have heard some fairly odd claims about me by residents and tourists alike, so I guess I'll take this opportunity to dispel the most popular myths regarding myself and the giant ball of twine I am. Maybe this update will help the nice ladies and gentlemen running the Cawker City, Kansas Board of Tourism, so they don't have to keep battling the same uninformed misconceptions day in and day out from a twine-obsessed American public who flood them with calls day and night. I was being a bit sarcastic in that sentence there, so if I hurt anybody, I apologize.
1) When you die, your soul does not turn into a piece of twine which magically affixes itself to me, perhaps through the power of Jesus Christ. That's just weird folks, and if I seriously suspected that I was composed of dead soul string, then I'd roll down the street and try to fling myself into that really disgusting creek behind the paint store. I was raised Christian, so I feel that you either go to heaven or hell when you die. You do not turn into twine and wrap yourself around a very large ball of twine in Cawker City, Kansas. I do not want dead people reincarnated as twine on me. I'm not a very touchy / feely person, especially when it comes to ghost string.
2) If you make a wish to me, I will not somehow be able to grant it. I'm a large ball of twine. I don't grant wishes. I sit here and do the things that twine does, which is virtually nothing. I don't mean to sound rude or anything because if I could grant wishes then I'd be more than happy to grant them left and right, but I just can't do it. I'm twine, not a genie. Also some of the things that the people in this town wish for are really weird and I won't bother going into because children could be reading this.
3) No, there is no ultimate purpose behind me. My creator, world-famous farmer Frank Stoeber, just one day decided to collect all his twine into one ball. Then, over the next few months, he continued to get more twine and put all that onto the ball as well. He kept this exciting procedure up for like 40 years or so, when he died of non-twine related injuries. I don't know why Frank created me and I feel as if I'm this gigantic, misshapen monster who doesn't fit in with the rest of society, mostly because while everybody else in this town are living human beings, I'm just a ball of twine. Yes, I'm a very big ball of twine, but that's still twine. The Biggest Ball of Twine In At Least Cawker City, Kansas.
I don't know exactly how much I've grown since 1988, but I don't think it's really been that much. I mean, what motivation is there for anybody to add more twine to me? I think they are getting a bit cocky here in Cawker City, Kansas.
My psychiatrist recently put me on this anti-anxiety medication that I have to take every morning because my depression is really ruining my otherwise exciting, wonderful life of being twine. Nancy says that I've got passive aggressive issues or some such thing, and I keep telling her that I don't know what that means because I'm no psychiatrist, I'm just a very large ball of twine which sits here all day every day in Cawker City, Kansas, next to the gas station which hasn't actually sold any gas since Reagan was in the White House. I don't think she is paying attention to me, because she keeps insisting that I take this medication every morning. Maybe she can't hear me because I'm just this giant filthy ball of twine which can't speak. I suppose these pills are helping me, but aren't they just covering up the fact that I'm a very, very large ball of twine, and that issue is at the core of my problems? To the best of my knowledge, no medication in existence will clear that up, not even the ones which have commercials showing very happy white people dancing in fields of flowers and playing with their children while a female announcer reads off a grocery list of the medication's countless deadly side effects. Speaking of Cawker City, Kansas and the booming, lively town it is, let me look around and describe the five buildings surrounding me:
1) A paint store,
2) An abandoned paint store which I don't recall ever selling a single can of paint in its 17-year history,
3) A hardware store which sells wooden wheels and paint,
4) Some place that has "USA #1" and "9/11 NEVER FORGET" paintings in the windows created by a team of highly artistic sixth graders who will all grow up to be professional unemployed people. I think one of these paintings actually shows Dale Earnhardt following a star to Christ's manger,
5) A bank which gives you a free can of paint when you open an account.
"THRIFT + PATIENCE = SUCCESS?" I wasn't aware that the term "success" meant "a humongous ball of twine," but as you can probably guess, folk here in Cawker City, Kansas are a bit different.
Now please don't get me wrong: I don't have anything against the might fine town of Cawker City, Kansas because they've given me a place to live since 1953 when I was just a little baby ball of twine and a mere glint in the eye of world-famous farmer Frank Stroeber. Although I never personally spoke to Frank about my conception (because I am a very large ball of twine and nobody really engages in lengthy conversations with large balls of twine), I can only imagine the special, special moment when he realized that his life was calling to create me.
WORLD-FAMOUS FARMER FRANK STROEBER: "Honey, I can't help but notice that we have not gotten famous in the past 20 years. What have we been doing for the last two decades?"
WIFE OF WORLD-FAMOUS FARMER FRANK STROEBER: "Well, we have been doing a lot of farming. And sleeping. "
WORLD-FAMOUS FARMER FRANK STROEBER: "Yes, and what else?"
WIFE OF WORLD-FAMOUS FARMER FRANK STROEBER: "One time I thought I saw a UFO but it turns out it was a horse that somebody lit on fire."
WORLD-FAMOUS FARMER FRANK STROEBER: "We need some claim to fame that will elevate our name above that of the common folk here in Cawker City, Kansas. We need to become living legends."
WIFE OF WORLD-FAMOUS FARMER FRANK STROEBER: "Before you get to that, can you do something about all this twine you have sitting here in the rumpus room, dear?"
WORLD-FAMOUS FARMER FRANK STROEBER: (Thinking) "Hmmm... twine! That gives me a good idea!"
20 MINUTES LATER...
WIFE OF WORLD-FAMOUS FARMER FRANK STROEBER: "Oh my god honey, what are you doing?"
WORLD-FAMOUS FARMER FRANK STROEBER: "I'm knitting a twine noose to hang myself with so I can escape the icy confines of this grotesque, vile town."
WIFE OF WORLD-FAMOUS FARMER FRANK STROEBER: (Throwing all the twine into a big ball) "Frank, please don't kill yourself. You know as well as I that even in death, nobody can escape from Cawker City, Kansas."
WORLD-FAMOUS FARMER FRANK STROEBER: (Looking at the ball of twine) "Hmmm... twine! That gives me a good idea!"
20 MINUTES LATER...
WIFE OF WORLD-FAMOUS FARMER FRANK STROEBER: (Walks into garage and discovers husband's lifeless, bloated corpse which has suffocated from carbon monoxide poisoning after he turned on his car and used the ball of twine to jam up the air vents) "Oh no! Honey, no! Take me with you! Please, I want to leave Cawker City, Kansas too!"
I like it when the attractive young ladies pretend that they're pushing me. Sure countless people before them have done the exact same thing and mistakenly believed they were remarkably creative and original for doing so, but I'm not going to tell them otherwise because I'm just this big ball of twine and what do I know.
And that's probably how I, an abomination of twine and wasted dreams, both grew in size and reputation to what I am today, which is to say a very large ball of twine that sits under a Twine Hut all day. I really don't want to seem like I have a grudge against this great town and the 10, perhaps 20 people living here, because I really do owe them so much. For example, I owe them for continuously driving past me and somehow refusing to light me on fire and therefore put me out of my horrifying, painful existence of eternal shame. Thanks a lot for that, you guys, I really owe you big time. I'm sorry, that was really mean and sarcastic of me and I didn't mean it.
Now I guess I'll review some movies I saw recently because I really don't know what else to write about. I already explained that I'm not very creative because of the whole "being a really big ball of twine" issue, so I won't bother repeating myself again although it seems like that's all I do these days anyway because I'm just this huge unholy abomination of cheap string and aspirations which could never be. I guess I'll review some movies which I recently saw after somebody put me on the back of their flatbed truck and drove me into Beloit a weekend or two ago. I'm not a movie reviewer and I don't see that many pictures, so please don't be too harsh on my reviews. Also I guess I'll have to make some silly rating system based on twine since I am a very large ball of twine and I assume that type of gimmicky ratings scale would absolutely just bowl over the residents of Cawker City, Kansas.
"THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST" (running time: 126 minutes) - This was a movie about Jesus Christ. A lot of folks in this town are very fond of him. I can't say that I ever met the guy in my 50-something years of existence, so maybe he hasn't seen one of the many, many, many pamphlets the Kansas Board of Tourism has about historic Cawker City. This film was too gory and violent for my tastes, and I couldn't help but notice that his crown of thorns could've just as easily been a crown of twine with... little spikey things sticking out of it or something. I don't know, I don't write screenplays. I kept looking for Mel Gibson in this movie because I remember how great he was in "Mad Max," but I didn't see him anywhere. This might've been because I'm a gigantic ball of twine and, by definition, don't have the best eyesight in the world, although I did get a rather explicit look down a young lady's dress this time in 1984 when she and her family visited my Twine Hut and she hugged me for a photo. Her nipples were a bit too big for my tastes, but beggars can't be choosers, you know?
RATING: Two balls of twine (out of five)
"WALKING TALL" (running time: I don't know, the guy driving my flatbed truck had to pull away in the middle of the movie) - This film wasn't very good, although I couldn't help but notice how much better Joe Don Baker looked in it. When I saw the original "Walking Tall" in the mid-1970s, I thought Baker seemed kind of fat and pudgy, especially for a supposed hero. He looked more like an alcoholic addicted to pastries than a town official. I could be wrong though, my memory isn't that great since I don't have a brain and I can't think at all, mostly due to being a gigantic ball of twine, but I thought I did remember that quite vividly. Baker basically went around town and beat up people with a stick. Then the movie ended. Wait, that was the original movie, not this one. I can't say for sure what happened in this version because like I said, I wasn't there for the whole film, but I think it's safe to assume that the movie ended at some point in time. Also I don't think I remember Joe Don Baker being a black / Hispanic gentleman, but maybe that's just me.
RATING: One ball of twine (out of five)
Okay, you know what? This whole "rating movies with balls of twine" thing is really degrading, so I'm just going to stop it. I don't really have anything else to say and I don't know how to end this article because I'm not a writer, I'm just this gigantic dirty old ball of twine sitting under a Twine Hut in Cawker City, Kansas. You can come see me and get your picture taken by me, but to be honest, I'd just like to have some alone time until this entire town burns down during the upcoming abandoned paint store fire. Not that I'd know anything about that; I'm just this huge ball of twine.
Eep Op Ork Ah Ah! And that means I love Repub!
Now I don't know about you, but I'd pay big bucks to drop an anvil on my brother so his head would get all flat and funny looking. I could call him flat head until he dropped a safe on me. Then he'd have to open the safe so I could get out. And knowing my brother, he'd leave me in there for a while. This week we're meshing reality with the zany, outlandish world of cartoons. The goons did an excellent job, and I'm proud to present this week's Comedy Goldmine, "If Life Were More Like Cartoons".
Thanks to forums goon Musashi for this week's Goldmined thread.
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Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
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