Greetings my little Internet ducklings. Since the holidays have made you fat and slothful with stuffing and gallons of fermented barley, it’s time once again for another edition of Life Lessons to snap you back into reality. I know I promised in the first Life Lessons back in July that I would keep this feature going in order to teach you wayward and ignorant masses about important skills in life since you were raised by Japanese gaming robots, but I’ve suffered a few setbacks at my writing headquarters, hindering my ability to keep up with the times. I quit my high paying job so I could pour all my attention into my comedic craft, yet my landlord was not very understanding and would not accept my fanciful riddles for rent. Thus, I moved my whole operation to a box on the corner of Michigan Avenue and Inkster Road. Things are going okay so far, but instead of spending my whole day writing, I usually end up having to defend the perimeter of my territory against the hordes of crackheads and wild dogs that are indigenous to the area. Day and night I fight with knife and tooth to earn a few hours of writing, but if I am helping out the needy denizens of the Internet, it’s all worth it. Did you know wild ghetto dogs taste a lot like chicken?
Today we will be tackling the very sensitive issue of child molestation. It can be a very uncomfortable or embarrassing thing to discuss if you have been directly affected by it. Now with the church accusations and the Michael Jackson scandal in the headlines, we are forced to deal with this issue whether we want to or not. Our silence in the past has only allowed this issue to grow like Cecil Fielder at a Krispy Kreme. Some of you may have been molested when you were children, or even recently when you were passed out at a frat party, so if this article is too painful for you too read, I fully understand. We don’t need your sort anyway you little teases, tempting poor souls into betraying their good nature and touching your naughty bits.
Wow, just wow.
Molesting is not such a widespread problem because our society is filled with perverts, it’s because of our extremely provocative fashion industry in children's wear and the flirtatious manner in which these little soft, sensual children conduct themselves. “How do I know so much about this topic and what makes me qualified to give you a lesson?” you may ask. I’ve been running a support group for victims of these terrible tots, and although at first it was a court order along with 100 hours of roadside rubbish detail, I now run it in my spare time when I’m not hunting dogs for lunch. During these group sessions, we look into some of the ways we can protect ourselves from children like this, so we (the public at large), can resist the urge to nab the little bastards off the playground and molest them in our custom van with a mural of Gandalf riding a unicorn painted on the side. Let's look at some of the ways we can protect ourselves from the temptation of sassy children and help us fight this crippling affliction.
Dress children properly.
I can’t stress this enough. The number one cause of child molestation is fashion. The industry these days is dressing up our children like little harlots, with their tight fitting short pants and low cut diapers. Back when I was a child, the person I looked up to was Franklin Delanore Roosevelt, but these days all the kids want to dress up like those filthy sluts Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera. The worst is when little boys are dressed up in little sailor suits. Parents, what are you thinking? That kid is going to get fucked six ways from Sunday before he even sets foot near the swing set. Everybody knows that sailors stand for sailing and the thought of being trapped on a tiny ship on the sexy sea gets even the most prudish adults horny as Gary Heart at a convention. So please parents, put some paper bags over your naughty children or they are going to get molested.
Do not let children frolic in public!
When children are jumping to and fro around monkey bars and tire swings, this is an advertisement to the world, an invitation if you will, to be wantonly molested. I think I can speak for everyone that when I see a saucy child leaping, jumping, and skipping about in an innocent and carefree manner, I can’t help myself and need to capture the child in a net to satisfy my carnal desires. I don't buy into the excuse that the children don't know what they're doing, and just having "fun". These kids know full well that they are teasing us poor souls by showing off their goods, and secretly want to be kidnapped and sodomized in a garage. It's not our problem, it's theirs, and it needs to stop.
Quit the Church.
The Catholic faith has a magical effect on grown men. Not only does it bring us closer to the word of our Lord, it also has a side effect of making us crave little boys. I don't know if it's the hymns, the pageantry, or just that alter boys look so goddamn sexy, but regardless, it's in your best interest to stop church activity if you want to protect yourself from molesting. The longer you stay in the church lifestyle, the harder it is to break the pattern of abuse and soon you will become like most Catholic priests, unstoppable boyfucking machines with unquenchable erections. The road of the heathen is much safer for you and little children everywhere.
Since I am a fully qualified counselor on this most serious issue, I will also be answering some letters from people around the world that seek my advice. I realize that this subject may be upsetting, or even disgusting to you, but you need to look in the mirror and learn some tolerance. These people are all around us, they are everyday people. They bag our groceries, they are our uncles, the work at the circus, and sing our pop music. Only when we realize that this is our collective problem will we be victorious. We will all overcome, together.
This is the face of a victim.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I was a just a normal young black child when my daddy beat me and touched me, and he was very strict. Now, ever since I morphed into a white woman all sorts of kids want to visit my magical fun park ranch and spend the night with me. When I tuck them in their eyes gaze longingly into mine, and even though they scream "NO NO NO" I realize that they are very attracted to me and want me to touch their wee wee. Now I may be in trouble but it was really the little manboy vixens who sent me psychic messages of seduction and pleas for alcoholic beverages so they would pass out and let me fondle their tight boy buttocks. They did it with their tiny sex crazed brains! How can I prove that in a court of law? Please help!
Well Jike, it sounds like you've got your hands full with crazy children. Scientists still don't know what causes little children to be so geared towards sex, but it is clearly a chemical attraction that we cannot help. It has been proven by me and my cousin Howard one weekend that children do indeed possess the ability to send psychic rays pleading for sexual molestation and tomfoolery. The only advice I can give you is shield yourself from their trickery by wearing metal helmets and if you see a child putting a spell on you, knock them out and submerge it under water before they can complete the spell. If you need me as an expert witness to testify to the nature of these "innocent" children, I'm more than glad to help.
I am a pediatrician and often perform routine physical examinations on young boys. Lately, I have noticed more and more of my ripe young patients wearing nothing more than their underwear when I go into the room to see them. When did this perverted trend begin to take hold and what can I do to prevent this wanton lustful debauchery from overtaking my otherwise peaceful establishment? Thank you,
-Befuddled in Baltimore
This is exactly the type of behavior I'm talking about when I say that it is the responsibility of these children to act in an acceptable manner, otherwise risking an unfortunate incident that will harm all parties involved. I hear this from medical professionals all the time; barely dressed nubile children disrupting their work environment. A close friend of mind just resigned from his post as a maternity nurse because he could not take the onslaught of babies that would come out of their mother's wombs with barely a stitch on! It's just improper, and frankly very embarrassing and arousing.Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Ever since my resurrection in the arctic circle by an atomic bomb I've had a problem. It started out normal, you know smashing around Japan and what not. Then I met a wonderful little boy named Kenny, he was a goofball, but damned if I didn't take a liking to him. I don't know, Frolixo. It's just that I keep going around smashing Japan and fighting monsters and the military and saving that rascal Kenny, but I just feel that I get nothing out of it, no ass no booty no nothing. It pisses me off. I love the kid to death but there isn't exactly any girl giant turtle to get some ass from. Maybe the radiation fucked up my head but I'm just sexually attracted to this boy. I haven't told anyone yet, so I take it out by flying over to Europe and smashing shit and humping the Eiffel Tower. FUCK THAT LIFESTYLE. So I guess the point of this letter is to get some advice to bed lovable Kenny. I mean I treat him right and everything but this relationship is going nowhere. He had a pet turtle and I'm sure that he's let him bed him, what's so different about me? I'm a turtle too! The only thing different is that I can fly with my jets and I eat fire and stuff. What the fuck Kenny?
Please help me bed Kenny,
It sounds like you are in quite a pickle Gamera! Before you are set on bedding this Kenny boy, ask yourself some important questions. Is Kenny just playing games with your heart, and will trample all over it with his size 5 shoes? If you do end up shacking up, with Japan still hold you as a hero in their hearts, or will you be an outcast like Barugon? Will the act of love render Kenny to pieces, leaving you to cry over his tattered remnants? These are all very tough questions that I can't answer for you. You have a lot of soul searching to do ahead of you. If you do decide that you want to go through with this and "bed" Kenny, I recommend showering him with candy and colorful toys. Kids love that shit. When I was wooing a potential boy love, I gave him all kinds of wonderful things until he fully trusted me. Then I betrayed his trust and blinded him for life when my molten seed shot him directly in his bawling face, but that's beside the point. Do what you heart tells you is right.
My hero, Franklin Delanore Roosevelt once said, "The only thing I trust less than the Japs are grubby little children." He was right for the very same year the Japanese sneak attacked Pearl Harbor and his little nephew Vernon seduced the president into touching him in the Oval Office. A year later, Roosevelt died of grief from the incidents and Hitler won the war, plunging the world into a second darkness until the British Special Ops sent some hobbits deep into the heart of Germany to drop the ring of power into Mount Doom. We were lucky in the past, but what will the future hold for us? We must be aware of the dangers all around us, contained in the alluring form of the child. To protect ourselves we need to learn, share, and care. Either that or we can all get a castration at a very thrifty group price. Until next time, take care my Internet friends!
Special thanks to forum members ParAone, I EAT BABIES, and BukkakeParty who helped me with researching this case since they are all convicted child molesters and horrible monsters.
Howdy folks, Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell here to butter you up for another State Og update. We're kicking off the new year by bringing much-needed rock music to warzones, sending space probes into the uncharted depths of Europe, and sharing the multiple-choice test that every State Og agent must pass before being hired:
2. Your partner has suffered a potentially fatal papercut while filling out his daily paperwork. In turn, you:
A. administer mouth-to-mouth
B. make funeral arrangements
C. vow to burn every book you come across in order to avenge him
D. administer ass-to-ass
Want to learn which of these answers is the right one? Read State Og! We didn't actually provide the answers, but hopefully you clicked that link before you could read this.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.