A new year is dawning tomorrow, and that means a new year of challenges, headaches, heartaches, general aches and pains, backaches, stomachaches, minor intestinal bleeding, and inner ear aches. In the non-achy front, 2004 promises to be a big year filled to the brim with excitement. In fact, this year is so jam packed with unmitigated festivities, the President has had no choice but to extend it by one day, which, in a dramatic stand against the tenants of fascism, will generously be donated to February, the runt of the calendar's litter of months. I could fill this update with all sorts of funny predictions about the coming days, but I won't. I hate both you and myself far too much to try to be entertaining. Instead, I will remind you that all this fun can be yours, assuming of course you do not have any children. For those of you with kids, boy, I'm sorry. If only you weren't strapped into the electric chair of responsibility, reeling from the conductive beestings of parental duty.
But I'm not here to be the bearer of bucketfuls of bad tidings, not when I can smash your grief to pieces with the wrath of good news. With just a few generous payments, your kids can spend the summer enjoying the wonderment and edutainment of Camp Internet, a veritable gulag of digital fun. With those pesky, meddlesome kids gone, you're free to be as reckless and hedonistic as you want, diving crotch first into a world of sin and taboo. But enough about the carnal passions you so disparately crave, you goddamn perverts. What is Camp Internet? Short of earning me an awesome $42 in Canadian dollars to promote, Camp Internet is the new frontier of summer camps. It's a dot slam for fun, a dot smash for education, and a dot kaboom for character building. Rather than do my job of promoting this properly, I'm taking my $42 Canadian dollars and running fast into the sunset like a bandit in the night, only at dusk instead of at night.
Here now is the official brochure for Camp Internet that I am typing verbatim. While I do this, I am listening to the songs of the humpback whales, which I have shamelessly pirated. Say what you want about piracy, but with the diminished whaling laws now in effect throughout the world, I feel I have no need to grant them their due artist compensation. I may not be able to harpoon you blubbery bastards from here, but I can certainly poison your sales.
Camp Internet 2004 Guidebook
Hey Parents! Want to give your kids the experience of a lifetime? Want to pry them away from that tired old Internet?
Hey Kids! Want to get away from those overbearing parents of yours? Want to spend some time in the great outdoors while remaining in touch with the hi-tech age?
Guess what, Parents and Kids, you don't have to want anymore, not when Camp Internet makes your wants a reality! Camp Internet takes the thrill of the Internet, a global communications apparatus popularized by pornographers, and translates it into a fun, safe, and educational getaway that challenges kids to find the common ground separating the low-tech from the hi-tech!
Camp Internet was founded by Dr. Hans Höllentier, a reformed Nazi kept alive through occult sciences, who realized that the current generation was becoming too ensnared by technology to function in a world where people would be dependent on brute strength and savage cunning. Dr. Höllentier sought to take the most popular elements of the Internet and bring them to life as the theme for a summer camp that teaches what it's truly like to live and die in the world. As Dr. Höllentier said at Camp Internet's groundbreaking ceremony, "The corpulence of humanity has long fed from the intestinal stew raging fourth from the maw of technology! I will circumcize the mind of the machine and teach children to make slaves of technology!" Dr. Höllentier delivered his opening speech with such passion that he succumbed to a fainting spell. His descent miraculously thwarted the efforts of a sniper, who narrowly grazed the falling doctor's face. This is the main reason he now masks himself, and not because he has anything to hide.
Through careful scientific analysis of Internet trends and culture, he has crafted a beautiful if not horrific family of counselors, administrators, and secret police to keep your children entertained, challenged, and obedient. Along the way, your child will undergo a metamorphosis from victim to survivor, broadening his or her horizons to include the skills and knowledge necessary to not just live in the technological age, but master it as well.
Although Dr. Höllentier has had plenty of experience running camps in the 30's and 40's, he personally dislikes children and chooses to remain secluded in his personal yurt, surrounded by a wall of black smoke that reaches up to the heavens as if to claw at the very eyes of God. Supplying heartfelt guidance to your kids is an experienced team of young men and women with exciting, hip, and modern alternative lifestyles popularized by the World Wide Web. Why here are two of our counselors right now!
Name: Susy Alure
Experience: MegaFurCon, High School Diploma
Name: Ronald McGreen
Experience: Battle of Endor Recreationist, former Boy Scout Troop Leader.
Located in an unmapped portion of Siberia, the heartland of Mother Russia, Camp Internet is the ideal environment for summer fun. Camp Internet features a bevy of state-of-the-art facilities designed to accommodate children, so long as they aren't weak and frail, and keep them stimulated mentally and physically. Take a look at a few of the 21st century facilities we offer:It's rustic!Yurts – warm, heated yurts fully wired with the latest in electrical currents allowing for electric light. These rustic quarters are fully furnished with primitive sleeping mats, so your kids won't be living like pioneers entirely. While not wired for Internet access, the nearby indoor latrines are. Located just two miles from the yurts on the site of an abandoned nuclear silo, the latrines offer the latest in high tech waste disposal while still requiring a romp through nature.Facilities are useless when not used properly, so Camp Internet takes full advantage of its many blessings. Our staff of counselors has taken the time to turn their hobbies and interests into workshops and activities your kids can learn and take home. Here is a small sampling of activities for your kids to participate in:
Note: Camp Internet is not responsible for glowing feces attacks or the glowing infections that follow.
The Graveyard of Tires – when Camp Internet's director was offered a great deal on used tires, he was no sap. Purchasing over 2,264 derelict automobile tires from the Russian military, he commissioned the first participants of Camp Internet to build a large and twisted monument to his staggering intellect. Though many children died in the construction of this tire cathedral, the crude remains of their work and bodies forms an inspirational tire graveyard that serves as an ideal place to play, reflect, and connect with nature.
Note: Camp Internet is in no way responsible for the tire fires or constant plumes of all-encompassing black smog.
Lake of Woe – while technically frozen, the lake offers a wide variety of fun activities, such as ice-skating, ice fishing, and accidental drowning. Or, as it's known in high tech terms, "impromptu cryogenic storage."
Note: Camp Internet currently has no means of unfreezing your children, but the distant future might.
Dining Cave / Meeting Hall – What good would a mass of children be with no place to wrangle them? The meeting hall, as Dr. Höllentier puts it, "allows the human larvae to amass into a great swarming cyst, that, with my teachings, might one day form a cancer upon this wretched Earth." Dr. Höllentier, how you love to kid!
Note: Camp Internet is not responsible for bear attacks, accidental cave-ins, or food poisoning.
"The Coffin" – You may be afraid to punish your children, but Camp Internet is not. Due to legal reasons we cannot give you a specific overview of what the coffin is, suffice to say we believe it is character building, not to mention a very introspective place for your child.
Note: Camp Internet is not responsible for the long-term emotional trauma your child may receive after being locked in a coffin for several days time.Our counselors are here to teach your children life lessons!Workshop – Drawing Naked AnimalsParents, you cannot waste any time! Space at the camp is limited, so reserve your child's place right away! You can see clearly the benefits Camp Internet has to offer and the life lessons it stands to teach your kids. Don't deny them this important experience. In case you are simply not convinced, let us leave you with some honest to goodness testimonials.
Humans and animals may be dramatically different, but they share dramatically similar reproductive organs. This workshop is aimed at teaching kids the joy and pleasure of finding their inner spirit animal, and then drawing it naked. Boasts the doctor, "Animalistic worship is the foundation of pagan ideology. Let the doctrine of Christianity burn like the tires of my killing fields."
Workshop – The Art of Yiffing
Your kids will learn the value of the erotic arts firsthand from hardened counselors. In this mandatory series of interactive workshops, children, dressed as their inner spirit animal, will mate with other campers. Prior to forced mating, children will submit genetic samples to Dr. Höllentier so that he may conduct his experiments. "Fear not for your children, fear for the monsters they birth," gushes the smiling doctor from behind his sleek, metallic mask.
Workshop – Cramming Objects Into Your Rectum
One of the most popular new and emerging hobbies on the Internet revolves around the timeless art of sticking large objects into your rectal cavity, slowly but surely expanding its elasticity. In the end your kids will push the envelope of belief, shocking you as to just how much they can cram into their rectal cavities and just how wide they can dilate their anuses. Camp Director Dr. Höllentier says, "Every profane act is the manifestation of heaven's sorrow, and music to my ears!"
Sports – Wetting Your Pants
Pants wetting used to be for babies, but now it's for unashamed people wanting to turn their denim domains into hot tubs of urine. Under the guidance of real authentic pants wetters, your kids will receive the absolute best attention. As Dr. Höllentier proudly gushes, "You maggots can do as you please, so long as my precious experiments continue unabated."
Intensive Study – Proper Webcam Placement and Posing
By maximizing sex appeal and seduction, youngsters will learn how to hide unattractive features such as acne, scars, and emptiness with improper lighting and clumsy posing. Adjusting image contrast dramatically will also be covered. Kids must know how to sell themselves to the predators of the Internet, and this intensive study ensures they will be worth every penny. "From the bottom of my syphilitic heart, I pray that these harlots of Babylon suffocate in the vacuum of their own souls," said Dr. Höllentier as he affectionately scratched the face off of a young girl.
"The day I saw my parents again was the happiest day of my life." –Billy, Age 13
"...good..." –Tina, Age 10
"Doctors say I will make a full recovery!" –Brandon, age 8
"I will never forget the horrors of [leaving] Camp Internet" -Jimmy, Age 15
"I cannot escape the memories of Camp Internet, even when I dream!" –Sandy, Age 14
Consider me $42 Canadian dollars richer! In your face, humpback whales!
Happy New Year! Someone Kill Me!
Hey and hello everyone! This is Ben "Grandpa" Platt here with a special New Year's edition movie review! What makes it so special, you ask? Because I freaking said so, that's why. You might want to look into making a resolution about taking people's words for things, jerk. The movie du jour is "The Corpse-Grinders 2," a massive turd of a movie by Ted V. Mikels.
One of signature visuals of "The Corpse-Grinders 2" is the grinder itself, a clanky contraption of rotating blades and numerous pointlessly flashing lights. You know you're in for a quality film when the power switch for the grinder is clearly labeled "HITACHI CAMERA POWER UNIT." That's bad news, right there. And that's literally only the second shot of the movie. You have to wonder why Ted V. Mikels would even bother including that shot, when it's nothing but a straight-on view of the power switch. My only guess is that it's his way of saying, "Look, I can't even make it ten seconds without fucking up, don't expect 'Schindler's List.'" After the lameass title screen, which you can see above, we transition into a shot that has opened classic films from "Star Wars" to "Star Wars" - text scrolling into the distance that explains the background of the story. The thing is, in "Star Wars," that text is necessary, since it explains background information that would take a huge chunk of time to act out. In this movie, most of the information contained in the text is actually explained later on in the movie, rendering the text totally useless. In fact, some of the text is directly contradicted by the events of the movie and contains obvious typos.
Sounds like oodles of fun, doesn't it? DOESN'T IT? You know you're going to be up late tonight - why not pass the time by reading the review? Next year in Jerusalem!
Obviously, the first thing necessary to getting back in shape is buying a bunch of expensive knick-knacks.
Finally, a look at the candidate's long-delayed tax returns.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.