I've been awake all night with horrible, terrible, extreme back pain. The kind of pain that makes you vomit for no other reason than it just hurts. Rather than tough it out like a man, I've decided to go get treatment, and liveblog it for posterity. Thanks for clicking, pray I don't die!
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."