American International Group, Inc. (AIG) recognizes the importance of upholding a high degree of transparency with respect to the use of public funds. As a result, after close consultation with the Federal Reserve, AIG is disclosing information identifying certain credit default swap counterparties, municipal counterparties, and securities lending counterparties. Before disclosing this information, AIG consulted with the Federal Reserve about the potential public benefit of counterparty disclosure (none) and the potential that such disclosure would cause competitive harm or petrol bombs through the windows of AIG or its counterparties.
I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree with the Federal Reserve on this one.
AIG has received a total of $170 billion in bailout funds as well as unknown amounts from various shadowy loans and relief programs that we haven't put down on our books yet. As a result of these loans the government felt it was necessary that we reveal our counterparties because of something they call the "taxpayer" (debt guarantor).
Sigh. Allllllright you big babies...
Societe Generale, a French bank, received $4.1 billion. The funds were used to subsidize a socialist program to provide struggling Parisian business owners with baguettes, striped shirts, bicycles, and 6-bedroom houses in Las Vegas.
Deutsche Bank, a Deutsche bank, received $2.6 billion. Funds used to purchase lebensraum in cheap Eastern European markets.
Goldman Sachs, a subsidiary of the Treasury Department, received $2.5 billion. Paid out as a reward for giving us the bailout and loans.
Merrill Lynch, investment firm now owned by Bank of America, $1.8 billion. The money was given to Bank of America along with direct government subsidies to allow it to afford to purchase Merrill Lynch. No, we don't understand the process either, but we don't understand any of the products we have been selling for the past seven years.
Supreme Bank of China, actually the second largest bank in China behind Second China Bank, $1.7 billion. This money was loaned by Supreme Bank to Chinese factory owners to pay their employees who in turn were forced to use the money to buy US Treasury Bonds.
Banco Venezuela, a communist bank (one of eight anti-banks on the list), $1.5 billion. The money was withdrawn in 100 dollar bills, stacked up into a pyramid, and burned by Hugo Chavez while "Bat Dance" played over loudspeakers.
Halliburton Financial, the financial arm of America's most trusted corporation, $1.4 billion. Used to pay CEO bonuses at Halliburton subsidiaries like Chemthrax Titanicus and Doomgloat, Inc. Also funneled into secret Illuminati pension checks for outgoing members of the victorious Bush Administration.
Bank Afrika, micro-lender front bank for global financial conglomerate, $1.2 billion. Used to finance operation Clean Waters which relocated 600,000 tons of European and US nuclear waste to rivers in Africa. Also partially funded the release of two million malaria infected mosquitoes in West Africa.
Die Americans!, LLC, Japanese bank started in the late 1970s that "loves America, hates Americans," $1.1 billion. Most of the money was paid out in dividends to shareholders. The remainder (about $300 million) was used to buy foreclosed houses in America and then fill them with roosters and wild dogs.
International CEO Pension Fund, a pension fund for annoyingly wealthy CEOs, $1 billion. Restoring liquidity to the CEO Pension Fund was a priority for our CEO. Without stabilizing this fund there would be grave repercussions felt throughout the yacht and private military contracting industries.
Kidnappers in Juarez, the largest financial institution in Mexico, $800 million. Purchased credit default swaps using ransom money. Used bailout capital to kidnap more people, producing an extremely high rate of return. Seems like this industry has potential in the unlikely event that the Fed cracks down on derivatives.
Star Wars fan speculation has been swirling about the source of female ejaculation. The answers might finally be coming with the Last Jedi.
Lean in close to your screen. Inhale deeply. Does this guide give off a cloyingly sour odor? Then it is likely the genuine article.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.